Deferred Happiness

I've been back home for the summer for the past two months. Overall, it's been pretty relaxing though I can't help but feel guilty about not working harder towards my goals. At the start of summer, I had an ambitious list of things I wanted to accomplish such as finishing my novel, doing a neuroscience project with Jay and learning Unity for game programming. While I was able to finish my novel (which I suppose is a big accomplishment in terms of completing a project), the rest of my free time was mostly just spent playing video games (Sekiro, Fire Emblem) or hanging out with family.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't feel too guilty about this. Ever since I've moved away, I've realized that we should treasure the moments we have with friends and family especially as we all get older and, sorry to be so blunt, closer to death. In terms of playing video games, it is nice to indulge once in a while but obviously I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've always felt that while learning a new skill or working towards personal goals is difficult to get started, it always feels rewarding once I actually do it. For example, I never regret spending an hour at night writing my novel but I generally feel guilty if I end up just playing games and then going to bed. I probably need to just find a happy medium between the two where I allocate time to both playing games (or other relaxing activities) and doing some productive work towards my side-projects.

Aside from that, I have been feeling more apathetic lately. I'm quite bored with my current job but feel like it's irresponsible to leave given how high my compensation is due to the IPO. It's not that my job is actively bad, rather there's just too much politics and friction in actually getting things done. I know the optimal thing to do is probably just focus on other projects and try to "coast" at work but it's easier said than done since I do take pride in what I do at work (at least for the last five years). As such, it's difficult to just "turn off" the mentality of caring about my job though maybe it is the logical thing to do to avoid unnecessary stress.

Another notable event that happened this someone was reconnecting with Dez. I was happy to hear that she was OK and it was genuinely nice to catch up and share what happened in our lives. I'm not sure if we'll ever talk as frequently as we once did but maybe it's OK as long as we remain close enough to both be there for each other in tough situations. One highlight that stood out from our conversation was that even though I didn't talk to her for a year, she's probably still the person I feel "closest" with and trust the most. Before talking to her, I thought I had the same type of closeness with SF friends. But I see now that while I did grow closer with them, it still wasn't comparable to the level of comfort I felt when I was talking to her. As I said, I think a key component in truly "knowing" someone is understanding their whole journey - from who they were in the past to who they are now. I feel like my more recent friends only know a small snapshot of my journey and I would have to sit down and describe every year of my life to them in order to feel like we knew each other on the same level as Dez and I. Of course, that's not really feasible because it's borderline psycho behavior so maybe there's just no shortcut to developing strong friendships and you just need to put in the time. This is probably worthy of it's own blog post though.

The last thing I wanted to highlight from the summer was the trip 3 and I took to visit KW. It's been a long time since I went on a road trip with a friend and I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was a nice experience overall. Sometimes I feel like COVID has made me feel awkward about socializing but I had to remind myself again that life is about putting yourself in new situations. Not that it was really a big deal, or novel situation I feel like I've known 3 for a long time so there was really no reason to feel uncomfortable and it was just my own anxious mind almost getting the better of me.

Anyway, KW was just saying how he mainly felt stressed and burnt out with his current situation in life. His job is very demanding along with all the office politics and extra studying for exams - he basically didn't do anything else after work except maybe watch TV shows with his girlfriend. He seemed hopeful that it would get better in a few years so he could just chill and work a 9-5 type of a schedule but it got me wondering if he would have been happier doing something else in the first place? Of course, he's probably in too deep to admit it to himself (or maybe just not self-aware enough) but it seems kind of clear to me that there would have been other paths in life that might have made him happier. It was like he was sustained by this idea of deferred happiness which I think is always a slippery slope. Basically the notion that "Oh, if I just get over this hurdle now then in X years my life will be perfect" but it doesn't seem likely to me that it will work out that way. The career path he's chosen in general seems quite arduous and hard to really step back and take a break from (perhaps rightfully so) which makes it obvious that it isn't for everyone.

The point here was that deferring your happiness to some point in the future seems like a dangerous decision. The other thing I wanted to mention is that few people are self-aware (or brave enough) to reflect on whether they are truly on the path that is most likely to make them happy. One thing I always admired about C is that he was able to realize that just being a doctor wasn't exactly the path for him (despite putting all these years of training into it) and decided to try something new like going back to do his masters in CS. Though I realize there's a practical component to this as well but I feel the majority of people are just not brave or introspective enough to really question if they've made the right choices in life.

Anyway, I most likely can't change how others think but only myself. So, maybe I'm writing down this memory as a reminder to myself that it's OK to think deeply about whether my life is on a path that is truly making me happy (no matter how deep along that path I am). Also because that maybe I'm deferring happiness by staying in a job I don't really care about just to collect more money though I wouldn't say it's comparable to KW's situation since my actual job is much more chill. Nonetheless, we only have a limited time in life so we shouldn't spend too much of it chasing the dangling carrot of happiness.

I suppose one way to keep myself honest is by continuous reflection on where I am and where I want to go - that's why I have to continue to blog :) 

What is love?

 I broke things off with M a few weeks ago and, in parallel, had a few deep conversations with Heinz about what we thought it truly meant to be in "love". I figured it was probably then a good time to summarize some of my thoughts. 

In terms of things with M, I feel that ending it was the right thing to do though I regret the circumstances under which it happened. Despite thinking of myself as a logical and calm person, I do have a very strong intuition for when I'm not happy or something doesn't feel right and I tend to listen to it. When we were supposed to meet up that day, I just knew that this wasn't a lifestyle I really wanted and realized in an instant (though it was pretty clear from the start) the level of commitment that she wanted was too high.

In fact, I would say that the main appeal of being with her was just the comfort of having someone around and, maybe this sounds bad to say, but even in a practical sense. It's nice to know that if something bad happens or you need help then there's someone you can ask. But that doesn't seem like the typical reasons people my age get into a relationship or even a good enough reason to justify dating someone. When I look at other people who seem happy in relationships they seem to genuinely enjoy being in someone else's company and doing activities together like going out for dinner, watching a game/show together etc. While I do think those things are fun, I don't really think it's entertaining enough (if at all) to justify the commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship.

For better or worse, I've come to accept that a core aspect of my personality is a need to feel productive. Maybe it's the result of growing up in an environment of overachievers but I would counter that point by saying it's not really feeling like I need to succeed in the typical sense of wealth/fame/career. I think what makes me content is knowing that I was able to reach the potential that I think I have with respect to creative hobbies such as writing or maybe a programming project. The actual "reward" doesn't really matter as much as long as I know I've done something that required all of my creativity or that I can be proud of (such as helping others). 

I've noticed this theme in so many of my blog posts over the years - for example, the typical  lamentations about not writing enough or being able to truly pursue what I want. For example, in 2015 I wrote:

As usual, I loathe myself for not writing more or pursuing creative interests - I haven't even been reading as much as I like to which makes me disappointed in myself. I always say that when I move to a new city it will just be quiet and on the weekends I can go to a coffeeshop and read/write if I'd like but somehow it just never happens. When will I stop letting my dreams be dreams ?

In that sense, maybe my guilt from doing typical "relationship" activities stemmed from this mentality - it just felt like another distraction from doing what I truly wanted and I couldn't stomach it despite the fact that society tells you this is what single people in their late 20's should be doing. The truth is, I'm getting older and, as A-train and I were saying the other day, we're getting to the point in lives where we have to decide if we want to keep pursuing the traditional path or branch off and try to do our own thing. We all have to play the game a little at first to build up some sense of status, but I've done that for almost 5 years now and done it well (it's OK to humblebrag I guess because no one reads this anyway...). Am I finally justified in taking some time to explore my own interests?

That being said, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that the other core benefit of a relationship is sex. This is kind of where the discussion Heinz and I were having led to - we both talked about basically how we felt strongly attracted to someone is maybe an emotional response that people conflate with being in love. To me, love is something that develops slowly over a long period of time - like the kind of love you have for family or close friends. It's the basic idea that you genuinely want this person to be happy and are there to support them. Ironically, this is probably how I still feel about Dez even if we haven't talked in almost a year. But it takes a long time for me to feel this way and it doesn't really seem to be a function of the type of "date" activities that people in relationships do. The cynic in me believes that the people who do those kind of things are just looking for ways to kill time instead of truly figuring out what kind of contribution they want to have on the world. I remember a date once where I was cooking dinner together with N and, while it felt nice, I think it was just the novelty aspect of it and I remember thinking it would be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle for an extended period of time.

I will say that one legitimate reason for being in a relationship is if you want to build a family or go that route. But just having someone to do "stuff" with doesn't seem like a high enough bar for me because it's important to consider how we're spending the limited time we have left.

But maybe it's possible to find it all. Maybe there are people out there who enhance your ability to make a contribution and pursue your passionate in addition to fulfilling that role of sex/companionship in your life. Is this really true though? It sounds a bit too idealistic in theory but perhaps it's possible if you both have similar hobbies or interests. Anyway, I still don't really know but I suppose I shouldn't be too quick to judge either. The only way to know is to go out and experience life. 

Living Without Want

 So, it's the start of Ramadan today and, while I don't consider myself to be particularly religious, it got me thinking about what the whole point of it all is. If I were to guess, the whole act of fasting is about abstaining from wants in our life. It's to help us realize that we don't need all these extra things to survive or even be happy. We don't need fancy, indulgent meals but rather the goal is to remind us to always be humble and take us back to a simpler way of living.

It also helped me work through something about people's attitude towards the vaccine that sort of rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like so many people (including some "friends") had this strong sense of urgency to get it to the point where they were willing to disregard the rules and/or lie about their health conditions just to receive it a few weeks early. In addition to being selfish I also just found it kind of bothered me - in most cases, getting the vaccine is just a convenience unless you are a front line health worker or do something that requires you to interact with people in high risk settings. As such, we should be fine with waiting, there's no need to rush. I feel like this sense of urgency just points to some deeper insecurity or lack of patience people must have. In fact, I believe the ultimate goal should be to attain peace/happiness while possessing almost nothing at all. Maybe this is a dumb hippie way of thinking but, at the end of the day, I think it's kind of a pre-requisite to achieve true happiness because in the grand scheme of things we really don't "have" anything.

Maybe a more practical way to phrase it is that you'll be happier overall if the set of "things" you need to be content is as small as possible because we never know what will happen in life. If you were on of those people who defined their happiness by being able to travel, go to clubs/bars or any other social things then COVID was probably devastating for you. Same idea with people who's sole source of happiness comes from a relationship with their S.O. I guess another approach would be to try to have many things in life for you to derive happiness one, so losing any single one isn't a big deal but the other general strategy seems to be making your "happiness set" as small as possible. 

I suppose then a natural question is what is my "happiness set"? What things in my life make me happy? I would say it's pretty small - I don't really care about food/travelling in any significant sense. I would say things like writing, spending time with family, playing video games with friends, exercising and maybe like hiking/being in nature. 

The last point was that I was also thinking about how adaptable humans are. I put on my mask today to go to the doctor's and realized I didn't even give it a second thought, it just felt like something we have to do now. In that sense, I don't really care about the world going back to "normal" as long as the general population can remain healthy/safe. Maybe it's because I'm introverted but I think it goes beyond that. While any change is uncomfortable at first, eventually we can and will adjust to this new baseline - it's quite literally what humans are meant to do. It's OK for life to change sometimes and we ("humanity") can probably endure much more than we think we are capable of. Perhaps one philosophy of life is that it's all about testing our limits of how much we can endure and, the realization that we can endure more than we expected is what generates happiness itself in some strange way.