Questions of Existence and Closer to Truth

 It does feel a bit harder to focus lately ever since I got back home. I used to be more productive in terms of spending time on my "creative" hobbies at night - such as writing or reading ML papers but lately I've just been aimlessly browsing reddit/playing hearthstone. While it's fun to relax once in a while, I think blogging and learning something new can also be relaxing, I just need to overcome the inertia of being lazy and start doing it.

That being said, this is a difficult blog post to write. It sometimes feels almost inconsequential to write thoughts like this down in some concrete fashion because, after all, what impact could it really have? Nonetheless, what spurned me to do this was that I want this blog to be a record of my thoughts especially since I might not be able to always trust my memory to hold it all. So I want to record that, for at least the later half of 2022, I've had the hobby of watching these existential/philosophical videos about science and the mysteries of existence. You know, questions like:

1.)  "Why is there something rather than nothing?"

2.) "What came before the Big Bang?"

3.) "Is the universe discrete or continuous?" 

4.) "Is the universe computing something? Does it have a goal?" 

I've found the Closer to Truth youtube channel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkB-phz_2cA), is a great resource for this. It's fun to watch random episodes and night to help get me thinking. Speaking of which, another book I read on this topic was "Our Mathematical Universe" by Max Tegmark, who basically postulates that math is the underlying reality of everything and that we all are just mathematical objects (ie. defined by our relationship with other objects) and that also all mathematical objects (*in some sense - maybe they have to be computable) exist. 

That being said, this feels more like a guilty pleasure and I don't want to come across as one of those pseudo intellectuals who think they are more smart or enlightened than others because they read/watch popular science videos on these subjects. I fully acknowledge that in order to consider such things seriously you need to dive into the math which likely requires several years of study. As an aside, I like the PBS Spacetime youtube channel too, in the sense that it's not afraid of showing the true nature of how complicated the math can really get.

I'm not sure how deeply I want to go into questions in this particular blog. Maybe I can just express my current thoughts about one of them: "Is the universe computing something? Does it have a goal?" 

From a selfish POV, I would like to know the answer to this question because I'd like to help the universe in achieving it. I want validation in the sense that knowing my existence did mean something or matter to the final result and that everything won't just be erased in the heat death of the universe. I want to know that whatever answer the universe was trying to compute, it couldn't have got there without me. Maybe that sounds naive - like I'm searching desperately for something to make myself seem very special but, I think this is actually a pragmatic point of view. At some very high level, I think that I want to feel like I've done something "significant" or "helpful" to others and then just be able to die and move on. You want to know that you've fulfilled your duty and then can disappear without any sense of guilt.

My personal feelings aside, what do I think the "point" of the universe might be? To put it another way, "If existence is the answer, then what is the question?". 

In my mind, probably the only obvious answer could be that the universe is trying to understand itself. Maybe the universe (ie. the set of laws that constitute it - fundamental forces, quantum fields, etc.) is the only possible system that can create observers capable of comprehending itself. That is, if a universe was too complicated and all consciousness beings just "popped" into existence (like how we might run our Sims games), it seems highly unlikely they'd ever figure out how they were created or how they came into existence. On the other hand, if the universe was too simple, it wouldn't be able to produce beings that could reason about how it works. The "uniqueness" of this hypothesis is quite nice, it means we don't have to worry about all these other messy possible universes but it also seems far fetched that these laws/constants are the only ones that can work.

That being said, extrapolating this theory a bit further we could just say that the goal of the universe is to produce beings which can "understand" the universe in general. I think this way of thinking is nice in that it gives us a clear goal about performing science to better understand the natural world. It's like a somewhat fun game that might even have a clear answer one day.

Of course, this doesn't answer the question "why play this game? why care about even finding a system that can understand/describe itself?" which is a question that takes an even further step back. I think this is where Max Tegmark comes in and says that the underlying nature of reality is just "math" and that all mathematical objects exist - we're just a particular type of mathematical pattern that's sophisticated enough to reason about the pattern itself. In general I think that the only valid answer to this question (ie. "why does anything at all exist?") has to be of the form "because everything's that possible does exist?"

However, this answer isn't entirely satisfying since clearly our universe seems to have some constraints. Max gets into this when he talks about "computability" since it seems like, in our universe, we can't have quantities which can go to infinity (ie. the speed of light is finite) and clearly there's something we don't know about black hole singularities. Also, no singularity has ever been observed in nature. So, even though we only have a sample size of 1, it does seem like the universe is very carefully crafted to not have any energy quantities suddenly "blow up" to infinity. If we were all just mathematical objects, why would this even matter? It seems like something else is trying to constrain the system itself, or there's some fundamental bounds on what the laws of the universe can do (ie. speed of light has to be finite so "information" can't travel infinitely far and seems to make the universe somewhat "self-consistent") that might reduce the solution space of possible physical laws.

I could ramble on about this for a while, but I hope you get the point. It's nice to think about these questions once in a while and to step far outside my day to day life. But it seems unlikely that we can ever get any concrete answers about why this specific reality exists (through traditional science) so maybe it's just an exercise in humility? Some folks things that such questions are better answered by religion. That being said, I think we (as humans) have gotten much better at explaining the world around us so maybe there is hope for us to understand fully in the far future.

The last thing I want to touch on is the concept of time. It seems from what I've read, I do feel a bit more convinced that time isn't really something that flows or moves forward, it's just part of the geometry of the universe like space is. This becomes more clear when you think about how space/time can switch roles within a black hole or about special relativity and how the "speed of light" is like the conversion rate between space and time. Maybe it's only macro organisms such as ourselves that perceive time in the way we do (ie. that the future is "unwritten" or "yet" to happen) and that the past has already happened. I think I feel similar to the Tralfamadorians in "Slaughterhouse 5" who think that there's no real concept of "time" just slices that you can visit at different places and maybe everything is just experienced all at once.

Maybe this is just being poetic, I'm not sure. This view (I think it's called the "block universe") does seem at odds with quantum mechanics and the idea of an evolving wave function (ie. the notion that everything in the universe is just completed determined as QM has some fundamental notion of randomness). I think I prefer the randomness view better - it would be kind of depressing if everything that ever would exist had already existed but even that might not be true in QM since this "process" could have been going on for an infinite amount of time. Does that mean that "I've" existed in infinitely many situations in the past? Again, this might not be true since things get weird when you consider infinities. I like to go back to the proof that a random walk in 2D will visit the origin infinitely many times, but this is not true for 3D. That is to say, even if there's an "infinite" amount of time in the past, maybe it's not possible that everything will happen infinitely many times - but again, I think the whole concept of "infinities" might just be something that exist within mathematics but can't be realized in the physical world.

Anyway, some family members say this is all too complicated and pointless to think about - they hope that upon death they might get all the answers and the veil will be lifted (via some religious beliefs). I also hope that is true but maybe shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket. There's also the question of,  "even if the universe/existence did have a point, would it change how I live my life?" but maybe we can discuss that another time. Either way, I'd prefer to tackle more concrete questions during my lifetime (ie. artificial intelligence and understanding the brain) but this is fun to speculate about once in a while...

Updates November 2022 - The treadmill speed quickens

 So, I'm back in the 6ix after quite a long stint on the west coast. It feels a bit surreal to transition to life at home and, for what seems like the first time, I feel like I could actually see myself staying in CA long term. The past few months haven't really been what I expected but, one thing I will say, is that they have been filled with new experiences. From meeting J at badminton to interviewing with KJ and Nicole, I actually had a lot of new interactions and, consequently, probably focused less on work. 

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I finally got an offer from the prestigious AI research company ??. I probably won't take it though - most likely due to no remote work and the fact that the team isn't really doing what I want (more focused on applied applications vs. pure research) though I can't deny that it felt good for my ego. In some ways, I wish that I had got this offer like 3-4 years ago so I could have devoted more time to growing my career but, who knows? Maybe it would have been too political and I wouldn't have liked it anyway. If it was remote friendly then I might have considered it but it just doesn't seem like the right choice at this point.

One thing I did realize from my many interviews though is that I'm getting to the point in my career where I just want to focus on really doing interesting things. Most likely this means working for some kind of startup (such as GI - even though I didn't get a direct offer from them) or just exploring my own ideas about neurosymbolic learning. I mean, if I'm already financially stable enough to not have to worry about a corporate job then I should really optimize for my own learning, right? I think I'm just afraid to take that leap. I still believe the ideal thing for me to do is try to optimize financially by staying at ?? while having enough discipline to explore my own projects on the side. Once 2-3 years is up then I can definitely try to transition into working on my own projects full time.

The truth is that life is pretty short and if I'm already fortunate enough to be financially stable then I should just focus on legitimately doing interesting stuff rather than chasing prestige. While working at ?? could probably help me learn, I doubt it's going to be as efficient or "fun" as exploring my own ideas.

The last thing I wanted to mention is related to the fact of getting old and life passing me by in the blink of an eye. I hungout with A&C today downtown and realized that we've known each other for almost 8 years now. It's crazy to think that if I never went to play badminton at the Y then I never would have met them and we never would have kept in touch for so long. I guess it's a bit like chaos theory - how the small decisions can have ripple effects far later in our life. I feel like we've all grown up and done pretty well and, in some sense, I'm proud of us all. I hope we continue to keep in touch but, again, I'm starkly reminded me of the fact that I'm basically 30 now and I think the next few years are crucial if I want to pursue some risky research ideas. 

What else? Hmm, I guess I felt a bit down about not having anything work out romantically while I was back in CA but I'm not that worried about it. I think ultimately what bothers me nowadays is not spending enough time pursuing my research or creative hobbies rather than relationships - I already have enough friendships to maintain and if I was in a serious relationship as well then I'm worried I would be bitter about not having enough time to explore ideas anyway (I already feel that I don't have enough!).

In the end, I think this is all leading up to say that sooner or later (hopefully sooner), I need to take a leap of faith and give myself the chance to really dive into exploring new ideas or just join a startup. I don't know why I think I can have such a big impact, as I said in my conversion with C the night before I left (which was really nice btw), I'm not sure where this sense of hubris comes from. Why do I think I can make some important contribution to the AI field when I don't really have a track record of doing so? Maybe I shouldn't hold myself too accountable and just find pleasure in the journey but, the one thing I do know, is that I won't be happy unless I give myself the opportunity to try my best at it. 

Updates October 2022 - Closer to Truth

 It's been over a month since my last update but I finally have some time to write again. To set the scene, it's about 2am on Saturday night here - I didn't do too much today, just went to the BfTB tourney and then chatted on Discord with 'dre. It's fine though, the past few weekends have been so hectic that I was looking forward to a weekend with few commitments.

I didn't quite feel up to writing this blog post at first but realized that it's important - especially if I do have the time. Above all else, it's important to record this memory of who I was in this moment or else I'm scared it'll be lost forever as time progresses. You could say I'm too obsessed with the past but maybe I'm just scared of forgetting who I was and where I came from. I still don't believe that we should always be trying to live in the present moment - we need to reflect on our goals and motivation as we go through life. I still owe the high-school "me" a novel that promised to write and this sense of continuity is a big part of what makes us human (in my opinion, but who else's could it be?)

Anyway, on the more practical front, life has been busy with a plethora of interviews at (mostly) startups + finishing up Sudoku research with ??.  Though I didn't get as many offers as I hoped, I think I did make some interesting connections that might bear fruit later on and think I satisfied my curiosity about what's out there. I'm still waiting to hear back from DM which might be the most likely candidate for me to take (though it's not really a pure "startup" in that sense). I also realized that I really don't feel that interested in my current position/team especially in the longer term horizon (ie. next year). I think staying until the end of this year is fine (have some interesting projects to ramp up like RS) but staying next year really doesn't seem that useful from a growth point of view (though maybe from a financial point of view). Anyway, I just want to make this clear incase I do end up staying anyway and try to do some mental gymnastics to claim I really am OK with my current job.

To be fair, it's not so much that my current job is bad but rather that I'm just not learning much. Also, we only have a finite amount of time in life (and my long-term goal is to just move back to ??), so I want to spend it researching/studying topics I'm really interested in - such as more brain-inspired models for AI. This is doubly true if I have the financial cushion to do so - as I've always said to myself, there's no "prize" for just "surviving" or getting through life and having it be just OK. What really matters in the end is if you were proud of how you spent your time and felt that you were challenged by worthy goals (both mental and physical). 

Continuing this train of thought, I've also been more inspired on the philosophical side of things - such as reading science/philosophy books about the nature of existence. I don't want to come off as a pretentious intellectual or something - at the end of the day, no one really knows the why existence, well, "exists". But, it's interesting to ponder sometimes. Basically, the big overarching question of "Why is there something rather than nothing?". Some cool books I've read on this topic are "Our Mathematical Universe" (Max Tegmark) and just watching a lot of Closer to Truth videos on youtube. That being said, I'm still more of the "scientist" mindset myself and would rather spend my time on ideas which are within our grasp and can be tested via the scientific method. But, big questions are fun (and fill me with existential dread) to think about once in a while.

Hmm...what else? Dating has been going well, I was a bit annoyed after getting ghosted by Z when I thought we hit it off but things with R have actually been really nice. I'm still not sure if being in a relationship is really necessary for my happiness/fulfillment but I suppose it's worth exploring. I still kind of think that my cadence for spending time with an S.O. is probably just like 1-2 times a week and perhaps more for the sense of security rather than really caring that much about interacting. But, who knows, perhaps my view on such things will change in the future...

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now, for the next month I just want to focus on relaxing and catching up with friends. Hopefully spend time on more creative pursuits like writing (and continue to play badminton which is something I've come to really enjoy again). Overall, I would say life is pretty good right now but, as always, I can't stop being worried about the bigger picture and what (if anything) it all means. 

The Startup Experience

 So, I had my final onsite interview with ?? and unfortunately it seemed like they won't be making a concrete offer though there is potential to perhaps work with them in the new year. I've been mulling this over for a few days now, ever since I got the news, but I'm not really sure how I feel about it. On one hand, my ego is hurt as is common with any type of rejection (especially after putting so much time into something) but, from a different POV, I'm proud of how I performed technically and think this might be the right decision if they are genuinely looking for someone that's more excited about the company.

My hope is that writing this blog post will help me organize my thoughts. Of course, it doesn't really seem like my thoughts matter too much in any concrete way as a decision has pretty much already been made. It would be more interesting if the ball was in my court, if I was the one who got to decide whether to join them or stay at ??. But, there's no point in thinking about what could have been. I think one takeaway here is that I shouldn't have tried to predict what they would say before I had a concrete answer. It just made things harder to accept. Instead, I should be open to either possibility so I'll be less disappointed in the future.

Anyway, so what were the positive aspects of the experience? I think the whole atmosphere in their "office" was really nice - it was super bright and airy along with having a plethora of snacks and drinks. It felt like the stereotypical "startup" office and it was probably the kind of social setting I was looking for. The team (with the exception of ??, who I'll elaborate on later) was really chill and I felt I did connect with them at least from an intellectual POV. Though I probably should have seemed more curious and asked questions about the work itself - but I was also trying to focus on the onsite project so I'm not really sure if that was even possible given the time I had. But yeah, the social setting was definitely appealing and something I think I would have liked to experience.

What about the negatives? Ultimately, the day-to-day work didn't seem that interesting even if these folks were all passionate about what they were doing. It wasn't even clear to me that it'd be more intellectually stimulating than my current role though there were some cool avenues to explore. The WLB is also extremely chill lately so, despite what ?? said about things there, I feel like I would be compelled to work harder than I am now. To be honest, working hard is fine - especially if it's about a new topic or project I'm interested in. I guess one other red flag is that the working style did seem to be too micro-managed for me. Daily standups and progress reports along with weekly planning might have been too much.

Perhaps the biggest negative though was my interactions with ??. While he seemed to have similar interests as me, I don't think I really resonate with his abrupt and direct working style. It wasn't specific to me, but even just seeing how he talked to other members of the team or handled meetings made me a bit uncomfortable. He just didn't have that warmth in his behaviors that the typical "nice" person kind of does. Lastly, while I think the avenue of research the team is pursuing is promising, I'm not sure it's something I'm 100% passionate about. If I had infinite resources (time/money) then I would probably try to investigate things more related to building a smaller model of the brain and exploring alternatives to backprop. I hope I can still find the motivation to do this kind of project independent of whether I join a startup or not.

So yeah, that's that I suppose. I'm not sure if writing down my thoughts really helped but I think, if the decision was in my hands, I'd probably be slightly biased towards not taking it. While the team was quite nice and the social setting was appealing (though perhaps I should try to have a happy social life regardless of work), I'm not sure if my level of interest in the work was enough to be a founding member of the team. Maybe it's the best for both of us and I should accept that - though I am curious to hear N's feedback.

I guess the last meta-point is that I really really really shouldn't think I know how things are going to work out or the best course of action in my life. I got rejected by ?? (Seattle interview) during college, ?? when I was trying to leave ?? and ?? wasn't really on my radar. While this startup was the one I was eying for the longest time, maybe it wasn't a great fit for me and I should be OK with having my opinion change from when I first heard about them. The sign of a mentally strong person is someone who is able to change their initial opinion about a subject in light of new information, so I shouldn't be afraid in that sense.

I need to just keep my eyes open and have an open mind to see what else can come along...

The Next Generation

One memory I wanted to record during my trip home over the summer was visiting my old high school with A-train. It was nice to see some old teachers again (namely the comp sci teacher and Miss Z) and I felt somewhat honored they even remembered us and some specific memories. Hundreds of students must have passed through their doors since we left and yet we were still able to leave some kind of impression on them.

But yet, what I was most struck by was how static everything seemed. Despite the churn of the outside world, Miss Z's classroom seemed almost exactly as I remembered it - the too-small desks arranged in neat rows, the assorted Shakespeare notes on the board and a messy desk strewn with copies of classic high school english novels. It felt both eerie and comforting at the same time especially given how sometimes I feel as if the world around me is always changing too fast - it's nice to know there are pockets in this world where things are relatively constant.

But are they? There's a famous quote that goes something like:

No man steps into the same river twice - because he will not be the same man and it will not be the same river.

This train of thought led me to another interesting observation which was that I seemed to have this egocentric mentality that my high school experience and my time there was relatively unique. As a consequence, once I left things would never be the same again. But, when I walked through those halls again, I saw a plethora of students jostling around me and realized that they were exactly the next generation. In some sense, the wheel never stops turning even after you think you leave something behind - the next generation is already waiting to follow in your footsteps or, more likely, forge their own. It made my own perspective feel relatively insignificant but it was also nice to think that we were all connected in some higher level way.

I remember a long time ago, Miss Z2 (my chemistry teacher) said something like "oh, you all think that after you leave the classroom, all the lights turn off and nothing happens until you enter it again the next day! But in reality, I'm here marking papers, teaching other students and running labs." 

It's easy (and probably convenient) to think that our actions have no consequences or ramifications once we can no longer observe their outcome. It's easy to think that once we leave a place it just ceases to be anything at all. But the reality is that things are always in flux - your actions can affects long after you have stopped thinking about it and the next generation will always be waiting in the wings. Such is the cyclical nature of the world we live in and it's probably worth remembering this once in a while.

 

A High School Reunion Within a Wedding

It’s been a whirlwind past two weeks ever since I got back home. Once again, it felt like it was a bit too soon to leave CA, I felt like I was really getting into a good routine in terms of fitness and being productive in general. However, coming back earlier than I wanted was mainly due to external circumstances – W’s wedding – which is what I wanted to talk about today.

The first thing to note is that W is basically the first friend from our HS group to get married. He’s also probably the most well-off (or, at least his family is) and has always cared about having the “best” in terms of materialistic sense. I don’t say this him to judge him outright, but rather just to reinforce the point (as Atrain said) that “It’s all downhill in terms of wedding extravagance from here.” 

The days leading up to the wedding, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I think I was mostly annoyed about having to come back earlier than I wanted along with just feeling anxious about the logistics of it all. I also didn’t care that much about seeing “old” friends since, I’ve always been of the opinion that, if I cared about them then I would be keeping in touch anyway (instead of relying on external circumstances to meet) as I already do with a small subset of them.

Anyway, when I started hanging out with the group the Friday before the wedding (KT, Atrain and his gf along with underwear), I began to feel more comfortable. At least with KT and underwear, it felt like these are people I would actually be down to hangout with in person, but due to COVID and other circumstances it felt difficult to find a time to meet - though we had tried a few times before. I think one measurement of how deep your relationship with an "old" friend was is the ability to quickly catch up to that level of comfort you once had in just an hour or two of seeing them.

Anyway, the day of the wedding was a bit hectic (had some issues with my suit and ended up buying a pair of cufflinks last minute) but I ended up making it just on time. The hall itself was extremely fancy as expected with beautiful white flowers adorned the tables in the crystal ballroom. The first event was the ceremony – it was obviously meant to be kind of sappy but I wasn't as touched as other people in the audience clearly were. It was also funny to contrast W’s vows (which were quite straightforward) with that of A’s (which were much more poetic). Maybe our core personalities really don’t change much after high school. Anyway, after the ceremony we just mingled a bit until dinner was ready – this is where I started to catch up with more folks from M, especially those I hadn’t seen in a long time (due to COVID) such as the twins. I also spoke with folks I also hadn’t seen in a long time but also was never really close with anyway, such as Root Vegetable and K.

The dinner itself looked expensive but the actual taste was kind of underwhelming. I feel like they waited way too long to serve each course and, by the time the main course arrived it was close to 9, so we were all starving. By a stroke of (unfortunate) luck, I ended up sitting next to V who is definitely someone I wouldn’t have ever dreamt of keeping in touch with. I did feel somewhat bad for him though, he seemed to sincerely want to re-connect with many of us. He also seemed more polite and down to earth but the sad reality is that, even if he had changed, it didn't seem like it was enough to overcome our past perception of him.

After dinner, the rest of the night was just followed by dancing along with an open bar. I guess we just did typical wedding stuff here – shots with the bride and groom, take some pictures, drag reluctant friends out on the dance floor etc. We ended the night by just hanging out in W’s penthouse suite (with a closer group of friends - maybe like 10 people or so) and were able to finally have some deeper conversations without shouting over the music. I also ended up ordering like $100 worth of Mcds for everyone at 2am because, why not?

So, that was basically the flow of the wedding. I wanted to try to document things in a bit of detail because I feel like it was an important milestone – the first big reunion with friends post-COVID. Of course, I plan to go into some individual thoughts how everyone was doing but I think it’s always nice to set the stage first.

But now for the real discussion – what did I think of everyone? I think my first cynical takeaway was just wondering if this was the last big event before we all drift apart (again). As I said earlier, I think I’ll always do my best to keep in touch with the small group I care about but, it just feels like there won’t be an opportunity to have such a big gathering again. People might just go on with their own lives, buy a house, have kids etc. Which is fine if that’s what they want (though I think it's more that they don’t have a strong sense of purpose and just end up doing whatever “society” wants – but I’ll write about that another time). But yeah, I just kind of wondered if it was all downhill from here in terms of friendship.

The other person I talked to a lot was Atrain and his gf. Though we talk pretty often online, this is the first time I think I had seen him in several years. I feel like he wasn’t taking care of his health that well (briefly: he got fat, like many others) but he had mentioned other health issues too. I also don’t mean this in a judgmental way but more in the sense that I do consider him a friend and was slightly concerned. The other big thing was meeting his gf, who actually seems really chill and down to earth. I discussed this with 3 later on, and we both noticed how similar (in terms of personality) they both were. However, I’m not sure if being that similar is really a good thing for a long-term relationship though they obviously seem to have fun and “get” each other on a deeper level.

The other person I caught up with was KT who I was also somewhat concerned about. You guessed it, he also got fat (or rather, fatter) but also seemed to just be really into drinking to the point of where it seemed like he had to get drunk in order to have fun. I feel like lives a lonely life down in ?? and hope that he’s able to move back to the city and have a better social life. That being said, he does seem like on of those guys who never quite moved on from the college-vibe especially in terms of the booze culture.

Who else…it was nice to see K&K again actually and I’m glad Potato actually ended up coming out for once. I was worried he’d just turn into a complete recluse during covid but he seemed fairly normal. I’m glad that we still feel this kind of connection to our high school group but, as mentioned before, was worried that connection will fade especially post-wedding. K1 also seems more mature, he got into crypto and programming and seems to be doing well so I’m happy for him. Even Potato seems to be pursuing his character design passionate which makes me happy – I’m always glad to see people re-evaluating their lives and pursuing things they are interested in even if it’s an unconventional path. 

Of course, this wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t mention my thoughts on W. Like I’ve said to both Atrain and 3, I think that he’s happier with A than without her which is probably the best metric. That being said, I don’t think he’s ever thought that critically about his path in life – he only sees one path and success to him just means following that path which I’ve always thought is a shame because he is quite smart and talented otherwise. I feel the same way about him and A actually – it just seems like she was “good enough” to meet all his needs in partner but not sure how much they truly connect. Anyway, I hope that one day he is able to think critically about his life and, honestly, if he’s happy with it then that’s all good. I just don’t like to see people just following the motions as they go through life. 

I also feel it’s relevant to mention if W really has any close friends. I remember when 3 and I went to visit him last summer, his gf seemed a bit condescending towards him and the fact that his friends were visiting (almost like she was belittling him). I hope he has a good group of friends and support network in the future especially because he is a very loyal person and someone you can depend on.

I guess that’s about all I wanted to say. It was a really fun time, though I doubt worth the steep price tag for the whole event. As for me, I took the week after the wedding to relax and continue hanging out with Atrain, 3 and others back in my hometown. This was also a nice time though eventually I need to return to reality but it was great that, for a brief moment, I could forget about work and just go back to simpler times.

In fact, as I write this, I’m on the train back to the 6ix, and it’s rather tranquil. It feels difficult to go back to “normal” working life after all this, even though it’s only been like 1-2 weeks. I think it’s almost time for some change in terms of career, hopefully the seeds I have planted will begin to bear fruit later this summer.

Graduation Thoughts

I'm of the opinion that, at least for the first quarter of our life, most of our dreams are not our own. From an early age, we're all given the same list of tasks that we need to accomplish - get high grades, do well in X sport/hobby and get into a good college. Even after college, getting a high-paying job seems like the natural next step for most people and, after that, the natural tendency is to get promoted and climb the corporate ladder. So, despite having accomplished some of these "conventional" goals in my life so far, there was a lingering feeling in most cases that I was just "succeeding" at goals that were already laid out for me or expected of society.

However, deciding to go to graduate school at S was unique in that it felt like a goal I came up with on my own. While doing a graduate program while working is not that unique, I think the key point is that it's not really an expectation that anyone has of you (at least in my field). It's also a goal that I've had for a long time - dating back to 2013 when I first visited the area with a group of friends. 

Anyway, it feels surreal to say that my journey at S is basically complete. The culmination of a goal that I came up with almost a decade ago now is within my reach and it seems like a natural time to reflect on the process. Of course, this is a good incentive to go back and read some of my past thoughts to see how I thought about the whole ordeal.

It seems like one of my main concerns was the logistics of it all - how would I balance work and school? How would I pay tuition? (in hindsight, this was probably never a real issue). In early 2017, I wrote:

The question really is - how much is the experience and the stress worth? The main factors in me not wanting to attend is firstly the logistics of it - selling all my stuff, moving again, getting a new type of visa etc. But, why am I being so lazy? I shouldn't just want to NOT change because I'm in a comfortable position. That just leads me down the path of mediocrity.

But I was also able to recognize the positives:

...But I seem to be ruminating on worst case scenarios, a lot. What about the positives? I get to be immersed in a learning environment with probably some of the smartest people in the world. I probably won't ever get an opportunity like this again especially because I think the changes of me re-applying to grad school after this are pretty slim. 

It seems like back then (in 2017), I was felt stuck in a kind of rut in life. I had been working at my "new" job in CA and I guess I was starting to get comfortable and was spending my free time just relaxing with new friends I had made. However, I was in my mid-twenties back then so it seemed like the ideal time to try something new instead of just having the same type of routine as I noted:

I think while I'm young the answer should be adventure. I don't want to be like everyone else - I want to take risks and try out different paths. I feel like grad school would be an opportunity to do just that. Also, I know that deep down, if this was fully funded then I would probably go without any hesitation.

Later, during Christmas of 2017, I seemed to accept that this was something I innately felt like I had to do (this was after one semester).

As I've told a few close friends, I'm not sure what the actual benefits will be or how much it all matters but I think, ultimately, going to grad school is something I needed to prove to myself that I could do. Overall, I'm glad that I got the "new" experience of graduate school as it was one of the few "new" experiences I was able to try out in 2017 and something that's been nagging at me for a long time. 

So how did it all turn out in the end? I think I can pretty confidently say I'm glad that I ended up going through with it (despite the heavy workload and stress at times). I was able to get exposed to a lot of interesting new fields (that might actually influence my career in the future) along with building strong relationships such as with C and Shy. I think I would have been pretty unhappy if I just kept down the current path of working while doing nothing else with my "spare time" though, perhaps if I didn't go to grad school, I would have left my current job earlier and done a startup or something. It's hard to know.

Anyway, I would be lying to myself if I didn't acknowledge there is an ego or "brand-name" aspect to it. I suppose I always felt cheated or somewhat inferior that I never got the opportunity to go to an "ivy-league" school for undergrad even though I thought I might have been competent enough. I used to blame my parents for not encouraging me enough but, honestly, most of the blame probably lies with me. I know it's not the purest of reasons, but I'm glad I got the experience to say I was finally able to - and, the truth is, I think it really did open doors and provide new connections for me.

The last thing I wanted to mention is that, while the actual process was grueling at times, it made it easy to forget how fortunate I even was for being accepted and having the opportunity to go. I was starkly reminded of this fact when A (a guy I mentor at work) was rejected from the same program I was in, just a few weeks back. I then ended up looking at the profiles of some other folks that got rejected and realized that even just getting in was no easy feat and something a variety of smart and motivated people seemed to have wanted very badly. It's sometimes easy to just take things for granted while you're in the situation but, if you take a step back, you realize that there's a lot to be grateful for.

OK, the very last thing I wanted to mention is that perhaps another lesson from all this is to not worry too much about logistics. That seems to have been a major concern of mine at first - how will I pay for X? What if travelling to campus every week is too tiring? How will I write exams? And so on. But, in the end, I was able to find solutions to these problems and it all worked out. It seems like the underlying lesson here is that if you really are drawn to something, then just go with your gut and you'll find a way to make it work. An important skill in life is about having a core plan but being able to adapt to get things done as new situations arise.

So, where do I go from here? There's still a few major goals I'd like to accomplish, goals that are hopefully more unique to "me" than even going to S was. These include things like publishing the novel I've been working for a while, doing more fundamental neuroscience research and joining a AI based startup. But, for now, maybe it's best to take a break for the summer and enjoy time with family/friends. I've felt pretty burnt out for a while so it does feel like a good time to "reset" before diving into something new.

p.s. Even if things don't really go anywhere, I also want to mention that being able to do research with ?? (one of the founders of neural networks) is one of those key experiences that I would not have ever dreamed of doing had I not attended S. It's really not just about the course content or whatever, but I think what will affect my life the most are the connections and people that I met (yes, I know this is sappy...)

Reconnecting with an Old Friend

 I suppose not much interesting has happened these past 3 months since I've been home and maybe that's OK. I feel like after the last quarter, I needed some time to rest and relax though, admittedly, I don't feel as refreshed as I would have liked.

I started to play Elden Ring but realized it's more of an epic journey than even I could have imagined. While I commend FromSoft for making a game on such a grand scale, I am starting to question if there's better ways I could be spending my time. I feel like I'm more of a fan of games like Sekiro (which truly feel like you have to master a new skill), Nier (which had a story that really made you think and question the world) or Smash (has a competitive charm and forces you to think, plus it allows you to socialize with friends). Anyway, it's still a pretty fun time but it's hard to justify sinking 100+ hours into a game where I'm not really learning anything new.

Besides that, one important thing that happened over the "break" was reconnecting with J. It took some effort and I suspect 3 didn't even think I'd go through with it. Truth be told, I was a bit apprehensive at first but I'm really glad we did end up chatting again. Not sure if it'll mean anything in the grander scheme of things but it was nice to see that he was doing OK at least and hopefully we can meet up again in the summer.

It was also interesting (and sobering) to see how different the path he ended up taking in life was from the one he initially envisioned (ie. being a T14 lawyer). He definitely seems to have his own struggles - and I'm not just talking about right angle - but more his boxing journey and the disappointing conclusion it seemed to have came to. He also got into a bad headspace (which was noticeable from before) but I think that's a demon we have to all face at some point - I had to face it during my health issues a few years ago too.

Anyway, like me, he seems to come out alright on the other side of it all. And I'm happy for him. I think, overall, I respect people who are willing to put themselves out there and explore their passion/creativity. Life is too short to just be the same mundane tasks over and over again or walking a conventional path without being excited about it just because that's what "society" tells you to do. So, I'm glad to see that J is trying to pursue his creative passions, even if it seems like a long road ahead.

We also talked a great deal about right angle. From the impression I got, he seemed more guilty about letting her down rather than actually wanting to get back with her. I think he's just genuinely worried about her well-being and, maybe for good reason, as it seems like she got into quite a reclusive state lately. But the ultimate point is that he's not responsible for her happiness and, similar to D and myself, it seemed like she just started getting into new hobbies and he wasn't really interested in that kind of life (ie. streaming games). It didn't really seem like it was anyone's fault, sure, maybe J overreacted but I can understand why and it seems like if she was to keep pursuing that type of "work" it would have been inevitable.

The last thing I wanted to mention from my convo with him was just how much of an effect those middle school and high school years had on our lives. We're still thinking about those childhood times and how they shaped us today - I guess life would be kind of pointless if our past didn't affect our future though sometimes it feels like it's a bit too much. He mentioned a lot about how we "never change" and maybe it's true. Maybe our core personalities, the blueprint for who we will become, has already been set by the time we're in 8th grade or something. It's both beautiful and scary in a way. Though I would say it's probably more about shaping our personality than predicting our "success" but we'll see...

The point is that no one knows what life will hold though our core experiences will always shape how we experience things. I'm glad to reconnect with J and hope he continues to seek out his own path. Oh, another interesting thing was when he said he read the Quran and the Illaid - I think he's really thinking critical about what it all means (ie. the point of our existence) and I do respect that.

Back To The Grind

The last day of my vacation is officially tonight and then I head back to work tomorrow. As with most breaks from the routine of life, it felt like it went by too fast. That being said, I'm not really sure what I did in that time. I haven't seriously coded (both with regards to school or work) in almost two months and I can't say that I really miss it or am looking forward to going back.

In some sense, I feel that taking that long of a break without an explicit plan has put me in a state of apathy. Or maybe this is just my natural state of being. Anyway, what I did do over the break was:

1.) Continue writing the YA novel - about 40% done the first pass of editing and I think I actually have a coherent storyboard planned out. To be honest, I thought I would be able to accomplish more but I do need to acknowledge that I'm happy I made some progress.

2.) Started brainstorming on Jay's project and working on the GAN class. This wasn't really a huge amount of effort but it still felt nice to be learning about something that was new and genuinely interesting.

3.) Helped family with miscellaneous things such as brother getting married and purchasing a house.

4.) Beat Nier Automata which was a pretty thought-provoking and artistic experience

Anyway, maybe it's fine to just take things easy for a few months. I think I sometimes get in the mindset (one that's reinforced by overachievers in society) of feelings like I need to be productive all the time. For example, I couldn't even play a video game with my siblings for more than 2 hours without feeling like I was really starting to waste time and had to do something else. But that's not really the point - maybe I should treasure these moments where I'm just spending time with family instead of thinking about the next goal I want to accomplish.

It's possible that I'm just burnt out. I've been working pretty hard for almost six years now in addition to trying to finish a graduate degree as well. Even if that was true though, there is a sense of existential dread when I'm just sitting at home at night and playing video games to relax. The fear that I'm not doing anything useful or progressing towards an important goal. 

The break did help me confirm one important thing which is that I'm not really passionate about my current job anymore. My plan is to stay at most until the end of the year (just for financial reasons) before doing something new. I want to write it down here so I can be explicit about it in case I ever try to go back on my words. But the reality is that there just seems like so many other interesting areas out there to explore (and even get jobs in) and I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I shouldn't just be playing it safe.

I am worried that when I do go back to work and start on this school project that I won't have any motivation to actually do things. I guess it's a silly fear because I've always been able to summon the effort but, in the back of my mind, I am worried about what if there's some kind of breaking point? Anyway, I guess that's why I should just have other outlets to focus on.

The last thing I wanted to mention is just the burden of having responsibilities. One of the best feelings about being on vacation was being able to go to sleep knowing I didn't have to wake up at a specific time in the morning. I think my ideal work environment would just have a little bit of structure (ie. I have a course or project to work on) but not as rigid as having meetings at specific times.  For example, I was always pretty interested in doing research with Jay but the prospect of having regular meeting and deadlines kind of turned me off from it. It's almost as if just the very act of having obligations can poison even the most interesting projects.

Anyway, maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all and after a week or so at work I'll be able to get back into the groove. But is it a groove I want to get back into? I suppose that's why it's important to record my thoughts now before I dive in again.

2021 Reflections Part 3: Looking Forward

 In the previous post, I reflected a lot on how things went in 2021 but now it's time to turn an eye towards the future. As I mentioned before, I think 2022 has the potential to be a big year since a large commitment in my life - graduate school - should be wrapped up by May. Though, there is still a pretty big financial incentive to stay at my current job even though it feels somewhat lackluster now.

That being said, if I finish 2022 without really diving deep into a new skill or a new project then I think I'll be disappointed in myself. Some ideas include pursuing research with J more (maybe writing a paper), learning about VR design/programming or investigate more about blockchain technologies. Another, less technical related possibility, is getting a draft of my HS story into a presentable state and really trying to get it published.

In terms of social things, I'd like to continue dating and seeing if I find someone I really connect with. I realized this past year that even if I'm not sure what I want out of it all, the only way to help solidify my preferences is by meeting new people. Besides, having new experiences is generally a good way to facilitate personal growth. I would like to form closer bonds with some existing friends but I would say it's not a huge priority - I already have a core group of people which I feel like I can trust.

In terms of overall thoughts about the future, I have to confess that I've been anxious about it lately. Being back home always makes me aware of how old my parents are getting and, naturally, the question arises about what life will be like once they die. It's a bit depressing to think about because I feel like my mom especially really holds the family together and it seems hard to imagine how we'll all manage (especially with respect to big events like Christmas) when she's no longer here.

There's also a sense of anxiety that comes out with the uncertainty about what to do next. As I mentioned before, I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty good at sticking to goals once I've committed to them (such as finishing a book or going to grad school) but there is a sense of trepidation when it comes to generating new goals. 

The main takeaway from these two sources of anxiety though is that I shouldn't (and can't) be afraid of the inevitable change that will come in the future. It just seems like a terrible way to get through life -  if you're always scared about how things will change and how they might get worse. One way to mitigate this is by doing extensive planning for different scenarios but, in some sense, that might make things worse since life will always be unpredictable. If you focus too much on planning then when something doesn't go as you expect, it might make you even more anxious.

It sounds corny but maybe the best type of advice to get through life is to just "expect the unexpected". I can't be scared about how things might change but just try to adapt and re-act to them in the best way that I can. I also need to remember to not let my emotions get the better of me. Sometimes I feel angry when I'm here about a little thing my parents/siblings do (like mom making me run late for a Zoom meeting when driving down to Windsor) and think about just immediately leaving or going back so I don't have to deal with other people. But that's not the right attitude - I should try to express my frustration in a clear way and then just move on instead of trying to lash out or get angry. I'm not saying that anything bad really happened, but it's just the thought pattern which I'm ashamed of and it could have even led me to say out of anger that I might really regret (thankfully, I did not in this scenario).

So, my overall advice would be to use this as a year of exploration. I should commit to some new things to try and give them a chance. But I should also be ready to adapt and "expect the unexpected". Most of all, I should try not to be anxious about the uncertainty that lies in the future - it's just an inherent part of life and something we all have to face so why drag your feet when we're all walking towards the same destination anyway ?

2021 Reflections Part 2: A Deeper Dive

In a similar vein to previous years, I wanted to dive a bit deeper into my progress/thoughts on various aspects of my life. Maybe, just because I'm feeling quantitive, I'll give areas a rating like in 2019...

Fitness / Overall Health - 2.5/5

Without a doubt, I felt more healthy than last year. I was able to mostly get back into a regular gym schedule and start slowly climbing up to where I once was. However, due to a combination of work and perhaps a lack of discipline, I felt like my sleep schedule really suffered. In the previous 3 months, I was getting 5-6 hours of sleep regularly and, while I obviously survived, I feel like this will catch up with me in the long run.

That being said, at least there's a very clear metric of what I need to improve in 2022.

Mental Health -  4/5

Compared to 2019 and 2020, I did feel less stressed out mentally overall. I had come to terms with the pandemic and sort of adjusted my lifestyle. I suppose it's not so much the change in lifestyle that initially scared me but just the uncertainty of not knowing what COVID would bring. That being said, I think the main point in life is being adaptable and having the strength to adjust in unknown situations.

Creative Hobbies (Writing) - 3/5

A big accomplishment was finally finishing my HS story over the summer - a culmination of over 5 years of work and 70k words. However, it's still in a pretty disjointed state and I kind of dropped the ball on writing after the summer (when I published Gates). This is a regret since, even over the December break, I was hoping to make some progress. Though I feel somewhat justified in the sense that I was quite busy with work/school activities so it felt like a more hard constraint rather than a lack of motivation on my part.

Dating / Social - 3.5/5

As I alluded to in the previous post, I'm quite pleased with how I was able to put myself out there and start going on dates again. There was  M, Msi, and S (who I actually quite smitten with when I first met). None of them really worked out, though it was likely for different reasons. In the case of M, she just seemed too insecure and I think she just wanted more commitment than I could reasonably give.

For Msi, she just wasn't that attractive though she did seem like a nice person - but we also seemed to have some fundamental differences in the kind of hobbies we like. 

I thought S had real potential and she was probably the first person I had ever felt excited with in the past few years (though, maybe that's not as important as it sounds since I hadn't really been trying to date that actively). Anyway, she seemed to meet all the criteria (well-educated, well-read, cute etc.) but we seemed to just not be that compatible. I would have been open to a few more dates but actually she called it off first which kind of stung. However, I can understand where she was coming from and maybe I was just mistyping her ability to be "fake" for genuine interest. But at least it helped me realize what I find attractive in a partner.

In terms of friendships in general, I wouldn't say anything new happened except maintaining existing ones. In fact, I sometimes feel a bit lost in the sense of not having that one "close" friend to talk effortlessly about anything like I used to feel with Dez. While I was able to strength relationships with people like K, Fco and J (in SF) and re-connect with old friends like Kwong and 3, I still miss the role of someone like Dez in my life. 

I was able to re-connect with her briefly this year and was glad to see she was (mostly) doing well but it just seems like she isn't as interested in maintaining a closer level of communication. I guess I'm OK with that overall since it seems like a more natural progression of our interests drifting apart rather than a specific argument we had or a "mistake" that one of us made.  

Career / Academics - 4/5

When I looked at my transcript and saw the 41/45 units, I almost couldn't believe my eyes. The end of my grad school journey is almost here and it feels like a huge milestone. While I was hesitant of whether or not I could do it at first, I feel like it's just become part of my lifestyle now. But I am pretty certain now it was one of the best decisions I ever made - not only did I meet close friends (like C) but I also learned an enormous amount and it might even lead into new possible future paths (like AI research or a startup). 

In some ways, it feels sad to think this journey is coming to an end but I suppose the exciting part of life is the ability to figure out what's next. But I'll talk about that more in the part of the blog post where I look towards the future.

Anyway, this past year was mostly about focusing on finishing up school and I feel like I definitely succeeded in that respect. I managed to complete 6 courses while juggling work and feel quite proud of myself for handling that. I feel fortunate to have met great mentors like J (who might even change my life in the future). 

My actual job definitely took a backseat this year though I was able to accomplish some milestones. In general though, it's only the golden handcuffs keeping me there and I wouldn't say I'm really passionate about what I do anymore. Most of my close friends have left though there are still a few co-workers that I respect. In general though, things have become more political and less "fun" overall so hopefully there will be some kind of change on the horizon in 2022.

Overall

Overall, I'm quite pleased with how 2021 turned out. It wasn't as jarring at 2020 and I feel like I was able to adapt and make the best of pandemic life in terms of making strides in my career/academics along with meeting new people via dating. I'm still not sure what I want out of dating overall, I'll probably talk about that in the next post, but having new experiences is always a good thing. 

I can't deny that sometimes I feel a bit lonely in the sense of not having any very close friends but that concern might be overblown. I certainly have friends I could ask in terms of an emergency and, of course, there's always family. But still, even if it's not logical, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge how I really feel.