2021 Reflections Part 2: A Deeper Dive

In a similar vein to previous years, I wanted to dive a bit deeper into my progress/thoughts on various aspects of my life. Maybe, just because I'm feeling quantitive, I'll give areas a rating like in 2019...

Fitness / Overall Health - 2.5/5

Without a doubt, I felt more healthy than last year. I was able to mostly get back into a regular gym schedule and start slowly climbing up to where I once was. However, due to a combination of work and perhaps a lack of discipline, I felt like my sleep schedule really suffered. In the previous 3 months, I was getting 5-6 hours of sleep regularly and, while I obviously survived, I feel like this will catch up with me in the long run.

That being said, at least there's a very clear metric of what I need to improve in 2022.

Mental Health -  4/5

Compared to 2019 and 2020, I did feel less stressed out mentally overall. I had come to terms with the pandemic and sort of adjusted my lifestyle. I suppose it's not so much the change in lifestyle that initially scared me but just the uncertainty of not knowing what COVID would bring. That being said, I think the main point in life is being adaptable and having the strength to adjust in unknown situations.

Creative Hobbies (Writing) - 3/5

A big accomplishment was finally finishing my HS story over the summer - a culmination of over 5 years of work and 70k words. However, it's still in a pretty disjointed state and I kind of dropped the ball on writing after the summer (when I published Gates). This is a regret since, even over the December break, I was hoping to make some progress. Though I feel somewhat justified in the sense that I was quite busy with work/school activities so it felt like a more hard constraint rather than a lack of motivation on my part.

Dating / Social - 3.5/5

As I alluded to in the previous post, I'm quite pleased with how I was able to put myself out there and start going on dates again. There was  M, Msi, and S (who I actually quite smitten with when I first met). None of them really worked out, though it was likely for different reasons. In the case of M, she just seemed too insecure and I think she just wanted more commitment than I could reasonably give.

For Msi, she just wasn't that attractive though she did seem like a nice person - but we also seemed to have some fundamental differences in the kind of hobbies we like. 

I thought S had real potential and she was probably the first person I had ever felt excited with in the past few years (though, maybe that's not as important as it sounds since I hadn't really been trying to date that actively). Anyway, she seemed to meet all the criteria (well-educated, well-read, cute etc.) but we seemed to just not be that compatible. I would have been open to a few more dates but actually she called it off first which kind of stung. However, I can understand where she was coming from and maybe I was just mistyping her ability to be "fake" for genuine interest. But at least it helped me realize what I find attractive in a partner.

In terms of friendships in general, I wouldn't say anything new happened except maintaining existing ones. In fact, I sometimes feel a bit lost in the sense of not having that one "close" friend to talk effortlessly about anything like I used to feel with Dez. While I was able to strength relationships with people like K, Fco and J (in SF) and re-connect with old friends like Kwong and 3, I still miss the role of someone like Dez in my life. 

I was able to re-connect with her briefly this year and was glad to see she was (mostly) doing well but it just seems like she isn't as interested in maintaining a closer level of communication. I guess I'm OK with that overall since it seems like a more natural progression of our interests drifting apart rather than a specific argument we had or a "mistake" that one of us made.  

Career / Academics - 4/5

When I looked at my transcript and saw the 41/45 units, I almost couldn't believe my eyes. The end of my grad school journey is almost here and it feels like a huge milestone. While I was hesitant of whether or not I could do it at first, I feel like it's just become part of my lifestyle now. But I am pretty certain now it was one of the best decisions I ever made - not only did I meet close friends (like C) but I also learned an enormous amount and it might even lead into new possible future paths (like AI research or a startup). 

In some ways, it feels sad to think this journey is coming to an end but I suppose the exciting part of life is the ability to figure out what's next. But I'll talk about that more in the part of the blog post where I look towards the future.

Anyway, this past year was mostly about focusing on finishing up school and I feel like I definitely succeeded in that respect. I managed to complete 6 courses while juggling work and feel quite proud of myself for handling that. I feel fortunate to have met great mentors like J (who might even change my life in the future). 

My actual job definitely took a backseat this year though I was able to accomplish some milestones. In general though, it's only the golden handcuffs keeping me there and I wouldn't say I'm really passionate about what I do anymore. Most of my close friends have left though there are still a few co-workers that I respect. In general though, things have become more political and less "fun" overall so hopefully there will be some kind of change on the horizon in 2022.

Overall

Overall, I'm quite pleased with how 2021 turned out. It wasn't as jarring at 2020 and I feel like I was able to adapt and make the best of pandemic life in terms of making strides in my career/academics along with meeting new people via dating. I'm still not sure what I want out of dating overall, I'll probably talk about that in the next post, but having new experiences is always a good thing. 

I can't deny that sometimes I feel a bit lonely in the sense of not having any very close friends but that concern might be overblown. I certainly have friends I could ask in terms of an emergency and, of course, there's always family. But still, even if it's not logical, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge how I really feel.

Resetting

It's been hard to muster up the energy to write this blog post even though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. In fact, I would say it's been hard to focus lately in general - no doubt the residual effect of probably the busiest three months I've had in recent years.

Somehow though, I managed to make it home safely. I'm looking forward to 2-3 weeks of catching up on sleeping, relaxing and doing lots of introspection and blogging. I would actually say this year was quite eventful and not in the senes of "external factors" (ie. COVID) like how 2020 was, so I think I probably have quite a bit to talk about as I look back on 2021.

But for now, I think I just need to re-learn how to relax. How to sit down and read a book or binge a video game like I used to be able to. I think I actually pushed myself too hard over the past few months - with a combination of school courses, work obligations and trying to date. The strange part was, it didn't feel too bad when I was in the heat of the moment but, upon coming home, I think I realize how hectic that kind of lifestyle was.

Anyway, I don't want to come off like I'm complaining because I'm actually not. I don't want life to always be easy and I think certainly did grow as a person and experience new things during these last few months. The worst case scenario would be if I was busy doing boring work that didn't really change my life in any material way, but thankfully I don't think that's the case here.

So, here's a list of upcoming topics I'd like to discuss more in the coming weeks:

1.) How I feel about almost finishing grad school and the fear of the unknown

2.) What I want next for the upcoming 5-10 years ?

3.) Reflection on friends and their (seemingly mundane and conventional) life choices

4.) Reflection on family, parents aging and how to cope with their (inevitable) death

Other than that, I'm hoping to really get back into writing. I've committed to finishing the first round of edits on my novel by the end of 2021 (and get to a point where I'm comfortable sharing it out with others), so maybe I shouldn't relax too hard...though this time it's all intrinsic motivation :)

Dune, Free-Will and Autonomy

 It's been a while since I last wrote something though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. Due to taking two courses along with working, I feel like all my mental energy is just expended on keeping pace with the treadmill of life. While I do have some free time now and then, I find it hard to truly focus on more intellectual things (such as creative writing) and generally just end up playing Smash/Hearthstone or reading. I've even gone on a few dates but just feel that being with someone doesn't have a place in my life right now and/or wouldn't really improve anything.

That being said, I don't want you to get the idea that I'm unhappy with how things are now. In fact, I feel pretty content with how things are going though I recognize sometimes it might just be this illusion of progress. Nonetheless, there is some comfort in being busy enough so I don't have time to worry about the big existential questions in life. 

If I had more free time, I wonder if I'd just spend it worrying about if I'm really working towards something that would make me happy or having the kind of impact I want on the world. I would actually say I do feel pretty comfortable right now - while my days are relatively packed, I am learning about "interesting" topics though it feels like I have a more passive, rather than active, role in choosing what I'm doing with my time. For example, these past few months have just been as if I'm slowing just trying to solve the next assignment or next project for work as the days march on. While those individual assignments/projects are interesting in themselves (it would be a much worse scenario if they weren't!), it's more the idea of being stuck in this passive state-of-being itself that scares me.

Anyway, the good news is that these few months are probably the busiest I'll be for a while since I'm hopefully graduating early next year. So, there is a glimmer of light at the end of tunnel though likely that light will bring with it a new set of issues. Now, onto what I really wanted to write about...

In anticipation of the Dune movie, I started reading the first book and then decided to try the second one. I was kind of unimpressed with the first book - the characters didn't feel like they had much depth though the world-building was quite good, especially for the time the novel was written. The same issue was prevalent in the movie where it was pretty obvious that there was a clear distinction between the "good" or the "bad" guys. This is in contrast to novels like GoT where there's no clear protagonist and every character comes with their own motivations and fatal flaws that make things feel much more realistic and interesting.

However, the second book really takes a different approach. It's much less of a hero's journey type of novel and instead focuses on more of the philosophical implication of Paul's ability to see into possible futures. In fact, the book itself has a very strange plot where it kind of just seems like nothing interesting really happens until the last quarter. The first three-quarters of the book is then Paul ruminating on the nature of reality and how any type of "choice" he ultimately gets to make seem inconsequential. 

Beyond the overarching "free-will" question, there's also other tidbits sprinkled in about the consequences of bringing someone back to life or whether it's better to just have them crystallized in your memory. 

With respect to the theme of free-will, Paul's conclusion is that we humans are just created to act out the will of bigger "forces" or events in the universe. By forces, I mean more abstract ideals such as the desire to conquer, the desire to mingle genes to increase diversity etc. These forces use humans to achieve their means and, while we think we are the ones making decisions, everything is just pre-determined by primitive forces trying to optimize for their own reward.

This actually relates pretty well to when I was describing my current situation at the beginning of this post - I used to think a critical component of being happy was having a sense of autonomy with respect to your actions. But after these past few months, I suppose I could see a path where happiness is just derived from executing on goals, even if you aren't the one generating those goals to begin with. Do you really feel happier if you accomplish a goal just because you specifically came up with it? Even the whole notion of "coming up" with a goal might be selfish and idealistic as we are all likely just a product of our environment and upbringing. I think what matters more is finding the process of achieving that goal interesting and the idea that you've gained some type of knowledge or grown as a person along the way. Ultimately, it's a mindset thing.

David Foster Wallace once said that the trick to being happy in life is to "be unboreable". In that sense, maybe one should strive to find beauty in every task or goal they have, whether it is handed down to them or generated internally. I'm definitely of the opinion that we have a staggering amount of information at our fingertips (due to the internet) so no one should ever complain about "being bored" or having to travel or move to a different city to experience new things. There's so many new things to be discovered or learned all around us (even if you want to ignore the internet argument, even just going outside and talking to a stranger or exploring a new neighborhood could introduce you to experiences you've never had before).

I think what I wanted to note is perhaps my change in opinion of the years. I suppose I'm not so attached to the romantic ideal of coming up with my goals ("writing a novel") and completing them as the one true path to happiness. We can still find meaning in goals even if we are not the ones choosing them and likely what matters more is the journey towards that goal rather than the initial spark itself.

Though it will be interesting to see how I feel about all this next year when I will have more free-time than I've had in the past several years. Maybe my perspective will change and I can come back and contrast it with what I thought now. But the important point is to just record a snapshot of my thoughts, after all, that's the true purpose of this blog.