Start of Summer Updates

 So, I'm standing on the precipice and staring down at the start of another summer. I realized I haven't blogged in a few months but, as usual when there's been a lack of updates, it's not because I've been lazy but rather because life has been busy (in a good way). There's lots of updates and thoughts I'd like to get down so let's just get to it.

1.)  I somehow made it back home for the summer, despite a hectic first half of the year. Though I will say the pace of life has slowed down considerably back in SF for the past few months, especially since I made the decision to stop doing research with ??. I was able to get into more of a standard routine such as playing badminton 2x per week along with deepening my friendships with E (designer guy) and J.

2.) Being at home does feel a little strange/sad in some ways. Mainly because, by some strange coincidence, I happened to run into Dez's dad at ?? and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I know she always said she hated her dad but I did feel sad hearing that she visited home recently and we didn't get a chance to see each other. Maybe it doesn't matter, I'm not quite sure what we'd have to say to each other anyway - but I'd be happy to hear that she's doing well at least and hopefully making progress towards her dreams. 

3.) I didn't end up seeing S before I left because she ended up bailing on our Friday date somewhat last minute. I'm not sure what to feel about her lately - my feelings have definitely cooled a bit and maybe her's have as well. I didn't want the time commitment of a real relationship but, even by my standards, we haven't actually been spending much time together to be classified as anything really. There's also the question of if she's seeing other people or something as well though I guess technically it's more of an "open" relationship right now. 

I understand that she's probably at a critical "transition" period in her life (going from quitting her job to more of a startup type lifestyle) but, at the same time, is it worth waiting for her to stabilize? Even if I did wait, would she even want something serious? Would I? I feel like if we spent more time together then I'd have a better answer to these questions but it doesn't seem like there's an easy way to make that happen without sounding too clingy/pushy. A part of it is also related to my ego - should I have tried to show more interest or escalate sooner? Would it have changed the course of our relationship if I tried harder to plan dates or something similar? I think if what she says is true (that she's really busy etc.) then trying harder probably would have been the wrong play but who knows. I just hope that we can spend more time together so I can get some closure on how I really feel, because, those few days we spent together in SD after ??'s weddings really did seem special. But maybe I'm just living in the past...it was almost a year ago after all.

4.) The startup stuff with C seems to be moving along smoothly. I feel a bit guilty about it because he seems more invested in the idea than I am despite the fact that, on paper, he should have a lot less free time than I do (given he recently had a baby and all). I think, if I'm being completely honest, I don't really care much about the business/product side of the startup - I'd just like to do cool AI research and collaborate with others. I also worry if this will put a strain on our friendship which, as I've said previously, I've really come to value. Nonetheless, I think doing a startup would be a good "life" experience to say I had so I think I should keep forging ahead - and at least doing the "research" part to help me continue to learn things.

5.) But related to point #4, it feels like there's this lingering question of motivation. Or rather, a lack of motivation. Especially since I've been home for the summer (about two weeks now), it feels difficult to muster up the motivation to really focus on anything. Maybe I'm just burnt out and need some time to relax. Or maybe the current things on my plate just aren't interesting enough - I think I'll need to write more about this at a later date to sort out my thoughts.

6.) In terms of work/career, I'm finally trying to go for promo to ?? level (which is something I'd never thought I'd say). I don't care much about the actual title/salary increase but rather I think it's a good forcing function to help me make a decision. As I told A (from work), I think whether I get it or not will be good motivation for me to leave and move on the next thing in the sense of having no regrets because at least I tried. If I do get it, then it'll be a good idea to stay for 5-6 more months and quit near the end of the year, knowing I hit a significant career milestone. If I don't get it, then I can feel more comfortable leaving knowing that at least I tried and it can serve as motivation to perhaps go to ??, ?? or pursue startup things full-time with C.

7.) I went to NYC this weekend to see a hockey game with my Dad, though it was more for him than it was for me. Nonetheless, it was a really fun experience and I think my Dad seemed really happy about so that made me feel good too - though he's not the easiest person to travel with. Maybe I just felt frustrated because it seemed like he was tired most of the time, but I think I'm being overly harsh - when I'm ~65 or so, I'm sure that walking around NYC at midnight to go back to our hotel would tire me out too. It did make me realize that he's getting up there in age and, honestly, I do think about death quite a lot especially how my parent's death will affect my life. I want to be honest with myself about it because I don't want it to creep up on me, so maybe by acknowledging it now it will help prepare me in some small way. Anyway, the point is, I'm glad I got to share this moment with my Dad while he's still here with me. He's certainly got a lot more mellow/patient (though he still gets anxious sometimes) then when I was a kid - so that's a big improvement I guess. It also reminded me of the times he came with me to Seattle/Sunnyvale when perhaps I was nervous travelling so...yeah idk, I shouldn't forget the good times too.

8.) The last thing is I want to seriously focus again on writing for the summer. I talked to 3 again in my hometown, and it made me more motivated to seriously try to get this story out there. In fact, writing feels like the thing I'm more passionate about right now but somehow I have all these other responsibilities/obligations that it's difficult to find time to focus on it (even though I want to). This is in contrast to startup stuff where lately it's felt a bit more like a chore. I think every summer I go through this phase where I have all these big plans about how productive I'm going to be but then I get annoyed being at home because there's all these distractions. This year, I'm trying to be more chill about it and just embrace the distractions for what they are - ways to spend time with my parents/family. I can always focus more intensely when I go back to bay area, assuming that's still truly what I want to do.

Alright well, that's it for now. I'm sure summer will go by in the blink of an eye but I'll be back to update regardless :)

Thoughts On Turning 32

 So another year has come and gone. I would say it's been a decent one - it's been a few months since my last blog which I actually have come to realize it's generally a good thing as it means I've been busy living life instead of being in my own head too much. In fact, the treadmill of life seems to be progressing steadily forward, it feels as if the metaphor of "blinking once and then realizing I'm old" is much closer to reality than I initially imagined.

But enough ramblings, time to give a snapshot of my current situation in life. Nothing much has changed in the way of not really caring about birthdays - I didn't even tell S (girl I'm dating) and didn't do anything special with friends either. I had a video call with my family which was nice and some close friends (K, J and A) did wish me happy birthday but, overall, it was pretty low-key.

The hopeful news is that I applied for a $1m grant from ?? with C.  I've also felt more aware lately on just how valuable my friendship with C is - he's like one of the first friends I've had who really pushes me in an intellectual curious way while also being a cool person. Case in point, he's down to apply for grants or discuss scientific ideas without any friction or weird transactional type of vibes. We've known each other for a long time now, but I guess applying for this grant together made me appreciate just how rare this type of friendship is. Not to mention his baby (F) is super cute and I enjoy spending time with her - when I was at their house a few weeks ago talking to V's grandparents about their upbringing in China and the U.S. it really did feel like I was among family.

I hope I do get the grant though, as I told S, I feel like just admitting it to myself might already jinx things somehow. I know that's obviously just superstition but it's probably a defense mechanism as well - trying not to be too hopeful so that I can mitigate disappointment when it inevitably comes. But there's not much I can do for now, just wait to see how things turn out. Even if don't get this grant though, I think eventually I need to brave enough to strike out and do research on my own. I'm entering my mid 30's and time really is catching up to me - there's no constellation prize for living a "safe" life so why not try something new if I'm fortunate enough to have the means to do so? I know I've repeated this point so many times in previous blog posts but I'll repeat it again because it's critical to me - I genuinely believe I need to pursue some creative endeavor to feel satisfied in life. 

On a more practical note, I interviewed at C and got an offer there. It's probably one of the best places I've interviewed at in a while - they have a really cool and impressive team. While I wasn't that keen on the product, I felt a sense of excitement and energy when I was there that just isn't present in my current job. I am seriously considering joining them this summer and have decided to basically stop all other interviews in the meantime - I think this is as close as I can get to joining a startup I'm really interested in (besides just doing my own thing).

On that note, I've also made a pact with myself to, at the very least, quit my current job at the end of this year. I might only have 1-2 years left in CA and I want to at least spend the last year being more creative and pursuing ideas on my own. So I'm putting it in writing to (hopefully) hold myself accountable.

Other than that, things are roughly the same, but it's in a good way. I haven't seen S in a few weeks though it was fun when I met up with her again. I'm not sure if we have a long term future together but I think there is potential which is also a rare thing for me to even admit. I'm pretty happy with life now but I do get the sense that once again I'm "stuck" in this kind of "local maximum" - just hanging out with the same friends, doing the same things (playing smash, badminton, going to the gym, playing cuphead with A/J/K...) and working in the same job. It's taken me a while to fall back into a routine after COVID but I think I've finally settled into a good one. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel restless/guilty again and the weight of not pursuing more "creative" hobbies is certainly weighing on the back of my mind. I have bouts of inspiration where I work on my writing (HS story etc) and think about other ideas but still feel like my current routine is too busy to really execute on it.

I guess that's all for now. The one constant is that my sleep schedule still sucks though, going to bed at 3am - 4am every night and consistently sleeping 5-6 hours can't be great for my health in the future. Hopefully writing it down here can guilt me into getting more consistent rest.

Thoughts on Stoner by John Williams

 In his forty-third year William Stoner learned what others, much younger, had learned before him: that the person one loves at first is not the person one loves at last, and that love is not an end but a process through which one person attempts to know another.

     So, I haven't been reading much lately, but I did get around to reading Stoner by John Williams over the 2023 holiday break, at the suggestion of JL. I think it had a profound impact on me and made me reflect a lot on my own life - it honestly felt unlike any other novel I had previously read.

    I read some commentary on the book after, critics have referred to it as the "best book you've never read". It does obviously fall into the bucket of being a "classic" but, for some reason, it doesn't seem to be as well known as others (such as Mayor of Casterbridge, which seems like the most similar book I've read to it - but, even then, it's not even that similar).

    Anyway, I suppose what makes the book so unique is it's rather mundane plot and story. It doesn't have any big climx or confrontations really, just goes into detail about the up and downs of the life of a "regular" joe. Of course, he has a somewhat interesting journey - going from being born on a dirt poor Missouri farm to an English Professor at the local college but, at a high level, all of the scenes in the book are very much grounded in the reality that at average person could experience.

    So, why isn't the book boring then? I wondered the same thing myself. I think there's two reasons. Firstly, the simplicity of the writing and how relatable it all is (no need to suspend disbelief) just makes it easy to follow and keep reading. Secondly, I do feel like the academia/professor environment is somewhat unique to most people and that was fun to read about, but it's only a small reason. I think that by writing about the "average" life Williams exposes such very deep and fundamental truths about our own lives that we might be too afraid to face as we march from one day to the next.  As one critic says:

     Steve Almond reviewed Stoner in The New York Times Magazine in 2014. Almond claims Stoner focuses on the "capacity to face the truth of who we are in private moments" and questions whether any of us is truly able to say we are able to do that. Almond states, "I devoured it in one sitting. I had never encountered a work so ruthless in its devotion to human truths and so tender in its execution.

     As I said earlier, I think reading this book had a profound impact on me. It made me aware of how seemingly small decisions in life (deciding to get into an unhappy marriage, having a conflict with a work colleague and not taking an active role in raising a child) can have large ramifications later on. There's this underlying notion that time passes by so quickly once you've fallen into a routine - you might not be aware of the consequences of your small decisions until you're old and it's too late to really accomplish anything further.

    I do want to clarify one point before going further about what the book means to me though. I actually believe (as did Williams, apparently) that Stoner had a pretty good life. I've always been of the opinion that a good way to measure your life is like how you ended up relative to the circumstances you were born into. By that measure, Stoner did climb quite far up the hierarchy - given all that his parents expected from him was to work on a farm like they did until he died and returned to the earth.

    OK, back to my own takeaways from the book. I guess it did also capture this idea of "quiet desperation" as in the the Thoreau quote:  the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.  While Stoners life was undoubtedly good from where he started, there's this tantalizing realization that it could have been much better, if only he had taken more agency and initiative. Several times throughout the book, Stoner mentions feeling like an observer in his own skin, not really having control over his decisions. I think nowadays we would call that being on "autopilot" just due to the demands and busyness of every day life. 

    In fact, one of the few times that Stoner does something out of his own "free will" or autonomy is when he decides to quit farming and study english literature. This sets him on a path in life that undoubtedly makes him happier and more fulfilled. But it's like his capacity to intervene in his own treadmill of life becomes diminished as the novel progresses and he just lets more and more things slide (such as relinquishing his daughter's upbringing to his life - and ultimately his daughter just becomes an alcoholic and gets knocked up in the end).

    The treadmill and pacing of life is brutal for most of us. We're too busy trying to get through the day and think about how to survive that we don't consciously try to intervene if we're not really "happy". But this intervention is exactly the key to bump yourself up into another tier of fulfillment or happiness in my opinion. As such, I don't think I should personally be afraid to intervene in the routine of my daily life. Like Stoner, the few times I have chosen to do this in my own life (e.g. taking a risk and moving to CA, or even choosing to go to S) really did pay off, but it's like I've become too complacent in recent years. I want to keep intervening in my own life and not settle for just being comfortable.

    In the end, Stoner reminds me that life goes by extremely fast especially once you get into a routine. If we want to complete or accomplish substantial tasks (such as writing a book or doing research, as in Stoners case), we need to consciously intervene. This goes for relationships and love as well - like Stoner has a brief experience of happiness during his affair and then goes back to his seemingly depressing marriage. Of course, it's better to have "learned" about love (see the intro quote) than not at all, but it does leave one wondering what things would have been if he had taken more initiative with Katherine as well. But Stoner's story is already written - all I can do is take his lessons to write my own. Maybe that means I should take more initiative with S? I don't want her to pass me by in life, especially cause I do think she's special - I realize tonight that I really don't want to lose her just yet. I want to see where things going and at least try to change my ways regarding ??

    Anyway, that's all about me. If you read this, go read Stoner. You won't regret it and you'll probably end up reflecting on what's left of your life as well :)