Resetting

It's been hard to muster up the energy to write this blog post even though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. In fact, I would say it's been hard to focus lately in general - no doubt the residual effect of probably the busiest three months I've had in recent years.

Somehow though, I managed to make it home safely. I'm looking forward to 2-3 weeks of catching up on sleeping, relaxing and doing lots of introspection and blogging. I would actually say this year was quite eventful and not in the senes of "external factors" (ie. COVID) like how 2020 was, so I think I probably have quite a bit to talk about as I look back on 2021.

But for now, I think I just need to re-learn how to relax. How to sit down and read a book or binge a video game like I used to be able to. I think I actually pushed myself too hard over the past few months - with a combination of school courses, work obligations and trying to date. The strange part was, it didn't feel too bad when I was in the heat of the moment but, upon coming home, I think I realize how hectic that kind of lifestyle was.

Anyway, I don't want to come off like I'm complaining because I'm actually not. I don't want life to always be easy and I think certainly did grow as a person and experience new things during these last few months. The worst case scenario would be if I was busy doing boring work that didn't really change my life in any material way, but thankfully I don't think that's the case here.

So, here's a list of upcoming topics I'd like to discuss more in the coming weeks:

1.) How I feel about almost finishing grad school and the fear of the unknown

2.) What I want next for the upcoming 5-10 years ?

3.) Reflection on friends and their (seemingly mundane and conventional) life choices

4.) Reflection on family, parents aging and how to cope with their (inevitable) death

Other than that, I'm hoping to really get back into writing. I've committed to finishing the first round of edits on my novel by the end of 2021 (and get to a point where I'm comfortable sharing it out with others), so maybe I shouldn't relax too hard...though this time it's all intrinsic motivation :)

Dune, Free-Will and Autonomy

 It's been a while since I last wrote something though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. Due to taking two courses along with working, I feel like all my mental energy is just expended on keeping pace with the treadmill of life. While I do have some free time now and then, I find it hard to truly focus on more intellectual things (such as creative writing) and generally just end up playing Smash/Hearthstone or reading. I've even gone on a few dates but just feel that being with someone doesn't have a place in my life right now and/or wouldn't really improve anything.

That being said, I don't want you to get the idea that I'm unhappy with how things are now. In fact, I feel pretty content with how things are going though I recognize sometimes it might just be this illusion of progress. Nonetheless, there is some comfort in being busy enough so I don't have time to worry about the big existential questions in life. 

If I had more free time, I wonder if I'd just spend it worrying about if I'm really working towards something that would make me happy or having the kind of impact I want on the world. I would actually say I do feel pretty comfortable right now - while my days are relatively packed, I am learning about "interesting" topics though it feels like I have a more passive, rather than active, role in choosing what I'm doing with my time. For example, these past few months have just been as if I'm slowing just trying to solve the next assignment or next project for work as the days march on. While those individual assignments/projects are interesting in themselves (it would be a much worse scenario if they weren't!), it's more the idea of being stuck in this passive state-of-being itself that scares me.

Anyway, the good news is that these few months are probably the busiest I'll be for a while since I'm hopefully graduating early next year. So, there is a glimmer of light at the end of tunnel though likely that light will bring with it a new set of issues. Now, onto what I really wanted to write about...

In anticipation of the Dune movie, I started reading the first book and then decided to try the second one. I was kind of unimpressed with the first book - the characters didn't feel like they had much depth though the world-building was quite good, especially for the time the novel was written. The same issue was prevalent in the movie where it was pretty obvious that there was a clear distinction between the "good" or the "bad" guys. This is in contrast to novels like GoT where there's no clear protagonist and every character comes with their own motivations and fatal flaws that make things feel much more realistic and interesting.

However, the second book really takes a different approach. It's much less of a hero's journey type of novel and instead focuses on more of the philosophical implication of Paul's ability to see into possible futures. In fact, the book itself has a very strange plot where it kind of just seems like nothing interesting really happens until the last quarter. The first three-quarters of the book is then Paul ruminating on the nature of reality and how any type of "choice" he ultimately gets to make seem inconsequential. 

Beyond the overarching "free-will" question, there's also other tidbits sprinkled in about the consequences of bringing someone back to life or whether it's better to just have them crystallized in your memory. 

With respect to the theme of free-will, Paul's conclusion is that we humans are just created to act out the will of bigger "forces" or events in the universe. By forces, I mean more abstract ideals such as the desire to conquer, the desire to mingle genes to increase diversity etc. These forces use humans to achieve their means and, while we think we are the ones making decisions, everything is just pre-determined by primitive forces trying to optimize for their own reward.

This actually relates pretty well to when I was describing my current situation at the beginning of this post - I used to think a critical component of being happy was having a sense of autonomy with respect to your actions. But after these past few months, I suppose I could see a path where happiness is just derived from executing on goals, even if you aren't the one generating those goals to begin with. Do you really feel happier if you accomplish a goal just because you specifically came up with it? Even the whole notion of "coming up" with a goal might be selfish and idealistic as we are all likely just a product of our environment and upbringing. I think what matters more is finding the process of achieving that goal interesting and the idea that you've gained some type of knowledge or grown as a person along the way. Ultimately, it's a mindset thing.

David Foster Wallace once said that the trick to being happy in life is to "be unboreable". In that sense, maybe one should strive to find beauty in every task or goal they have, whether it is handed down to them or generated internally. I'm definitely of the opinion that we have a staggering amount of information at our fingertips (due to the internet) so no one should ever complain about "being bored" or having to travel or move to a different city to experience new things. There's so many new things to be discovered or learned all around us (even if you want to ignore the internet argument, even just going outside and talking to a stranger or exploring a new neighborhood could introduce you to experiences you've never had before).

I think what I wanted to note is perhaps my change in opinion of the years. I suppose I'm not so attached to the romantic ideal of coming up with my goals ("writing a novel") and completing them as the one true path to happiness. We can still find meaning in goals even if we are not the ones choosing them and likely what matters more is the journey towards that goal rather than the initial spark itself.

Though it will be interesting to see how I feel about all this next year when I will have more free-time than I've had in the past several years. Maybe my perspective will change and I can come back and contrast it with what I thought now. But the important point is to just record a snapshot of my thoughts, after all, that's the true purpose of this blog.

Young Blood Thinks There's Always Tomorrow;

[Title from a popular JB song that's on the radio nowadays. It reminds me of a road trip I took with 3 to visit Kwong in his hometown and we played a lot of JB on the radio there. Maybe I'll look back on this 5-10 years from now and rediscover the song so I think it might be worth it...]

Anyway, it was a pretty good summer, especially the tail-end of it when I was back in my home town. I wasn't as productive as I hoped but I did get to do everything "socially" that I wanted (hanging out with friends at home and back downtown on the last day before I left). I was even able to finish a first draft of my book and take the time to really settle down and play some games again (like Fire Emblem and Sekiro which was a really fun experience).

When I went downtown to meet up with A and C again, I didn't feel as nostalgic as I thought I would. I didn't really miss downtown TO, it felt kind of unwelcoming and harsh compared to CA. Anyway, while it was nice to see them, it made me also realize how far we had all come. It's been almost 6-7 years since I first met them and, while our relationship feels the same, we are all at very different places in life. The funny thing is, it doesn't seem like long ago when we were roaming the streets of downtown and making dick jokes on the trip to center island. It made me kind of sad in a way, that maybe life is passing me by too quickly and perhaps I'll just wake up one day and realize I'm old.

Anyway, they both seem to be doing well though I hope A is able to make something more out of his life despite his shitty family situation. C is obviously doing well but he has a strong family support system, I'm always been more worried for A. I feel like his life could go either way and maybe I should be doing more to help him as a friend.

That being said, I'm about 3000 miles away, back in CA. It's only my second night here and it does feel like I'm still in that transition phase where I'm still missing the comforts of home. Nonetheless, I'm started to adjust again and embrace the idea of living by myself. I'm somewhat apprehensive about the two months ahead - I'm trying to take two relatively difficult courses in school while working (to finish off my MS) and it's like I feel burnt out before I even start. Though maybe burnt out is not the right term to use - it's more like I'm just scared of failure because there's group projects and I always have this (probably unfounded fear) about what if the project doesn't go well or we don't get any "good" results etc.

I realize such fears are stupid though. Academia and classes in particular should be a setting where I shouldn't be afraid about exploring. Maybe it's just my overachieving mindset but I really think I need to change my philosophy and just optimize for exploration or learning more. To that end, I hope to ask Professor J if I can do research with him next quarter as it's one of the main things I would like to try out before I leave school.

I thought I'd be more afraid about the flight or being back here alone but I'm not really. I do worry sometimes that maybe I'm not acknowledging my emotions or anxieties. That maybe they will just build up beneath the surprise and cause an explosion of fear/anxiety/guilt once they reach the surface. In that sense, I view blogging as a way to "let off the steam" in small increments so to speak. It's easy to just get lost in the day to day grind while resentment or other negative emotions build up so I need to remember to constantly introspect.

That being said, I'm still not super excited about this semester. While the material seems interesting, I was definitely more motivated when I started the program. What excites me the most now is the prospect of finishing and starting something new in life. But whatever new avenue I choose to pursue, I realize that I can't let fear of failure hold me back. I need to remember to cultivate a more curious and exploratory mindset or else I'll be dragging my feet through this journey of life.

So, I want to get into a routine while I'm here. To be productive at work/school while also having some time for creative hobbies such as editing my story. Going to the gym regularly wouldn't be a bad ideas as well...

Deferred Happiness

I've been back home for the summer for the past two months. Overall, it's been pretty relaxing though I can't help but feel guilty about not working harder towards my goals. At the start of summer, I had an ambitious list of things I wanted to accomplish such as finishing my novel, doing a neuroscience project with Jay and learning Unity for game programming. While I was able to finish my novel (which I suppose is a big accomplishment in terms of completing a project), the rest of my free time was mostly just spent playing video games (Sekiro, Fire Emblem) or hanging out with family.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't feel too guilty about this. Ever since I've moved away, I've realized that we should treasure the moments we have with friends and family especially as we all get older and, sorry to be so blunt, closer to death. In terms of playing video games, it is nice to indulge once in a while but obviously I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've always felt that while learning a new skill or working towards personal goals is difficult to get started, it always feels rewarding once I actually do it. For example, I never regret spending an hour at night writing my novel but I generally feel guilty if I end up just playing games and then going to bed. I probably need to just find a happy medium between the two where I allocate time to both playing games (or other relaxing activities) and doing some productive work towards my side-projects.

Aside from that, I have been feeling more apathetic lately. I'm quite bored with my current job but feel like it's irresponsible to leave given how high my compensation is due to the IPO. It's not that my job is actively bad, rather there's just too much politics and friction in actually getting things done. I know the optimal thing to do is probably just focus on other projects and try to "coast" at work but it's easier said than done since I do take pride in what I do at work (at least for the last five years). As such, it's difficult to just "turn off" the mentality of caring about my job though maybe it is the logical thing to do to avoid unnecessary stress.

Another notable event that happened this someone was reconnecting with Dez. I was happy to hear that she was OK and it was genuinely nice to catch up and share what happened in our lives. I'm not sure if we'll ever talk as frequently as we once did but maybe it's OK as long as we remain close enough to both be there for each other in tough situations. One highlight that stood out from our conversation was that even though I didn't talk to her for a year, she's probably still the person I feel "closest" with and trust the most. Before talking to her, I thought I had the same type of closeness with SF friends. But I see now that while I did grow closer with them, it still wasn't comparable to the level of comfort I felt when I was talking to her. As I said, I think a key component in truly "knowing" someone is understanding their whole journey - from who they were in the past to who they are now. I feel like my more recent friends only know a small snapshot of my journey and I would have to sit down and describe every year of my life to them in order to feel like we knew each other on the same level as Dez and I. Of course, that's not really feasible because it's borderline psycho behavior so maybe there's just no shortcut to developing strong friendships and you just need to put in the time. This is probably worthy of it's own blog post though.

The last thing I wanted to highlight from the summer was the trip 3 and I took to visit KW. It's been a long time since I went on a road trip with a friend and I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was a nice experience overall. Sometimes I feel like COVID has made me feel awkward about socializing but I had to remind myself again that life is about putting yourself in new situations. Not that it was really a big deal, or novel situation I feel like I've known 3 for a long time so there was really no reason to feel uncomfortable and it was just my own anxious mind almost getting the better of me.

Anyway, KW was just saying how he mainly felt stressed and burnt out with his current situation in life. His job is very demanding along with all the office politics and extra studying for exams - he basically didn't do anything else after work except maybe watch TV shows with his girlfriend. He seemed hopeful that it would get better in a few years so he could just chill and work a 9-5 type of a schedule but it got me wondering if he would have been happier doing something else in the first place? Of course, he's probably in too deep to admit it to himself (or maybe just not self-aware enough) but it seems kind of clear to me that there would have been other paths in life that might have made him happier. It was like he was sustained by this idea of deferred happiness which I think is always a slippery slope. Basically the notion that "Oh, if I just get over this hurdle now then in X years my life will be perfect" but it doesn't seem likely to me that it will work out that way. The career path he's chosen in general seems quite arduous and hard to really step back and take a break from (perhaps rightfully so) which makes it obvious that it isn't for everyone.

The point here was that deferring your happiness to some point in the future seems like a dangerous decision. The other thing I wanted to mention is that few people are self-aware (or brave enough) to reflect on whether they are truly on the path that is most likely to make them happy. One thing I always admired about C is that he was able to realize that just being a doctor wasn't exactly the path for him (despite putting all these years of training into it) and decided to try something new like going back to do his masters in CS. Though I realize there's a practical component to this as well but I feel the majority of people are just not brave or introspective enough to really question if they've made the right choices in life.

Anyway, I most likely can't change how others think but only myself. So, maybe I'm writing down this memory as a reminder to myself that it's OK to think deeply about whether my life is on a path that is truly making me happy (no matter how deep along that path I am). Also because that maybe I'm deferring happiness by staying in a job I don't really care about just to collect more money though I wouldn't say it's comparable to KW's situation since my actual job is much more chill. Nonetheless, we only have a limited time in life so we shouldn't spend too much of it chasing the dangling carrot of happiness.

I suppose one way to keep myself honest is by continuous reflection on where I am and where I want to go - that's why I have to continue to blog :) 

What is love?

 I broke things off with M a few weeks ago and, in parallel, had a few deep conversations with Heinz about what we thought it truly meant to be in "love". I figured it was probably then a good time to summarize some of my thoughts. 

In terms of things with M, I feel that ending it was the right thing to do though I regret the circumstances under which it happened. Despite thinking of myself as a logical and calm person, I do have a very strong intuition for when I'm not happy or something doesn't feel right and I tend to listen to it. When we were supposed to meet up that day, I just knew that this wasn't a lifestyle I really wanted and realized in an instant (though it was pretty clear from the start) the level of commitment that she wanted was too high.

In fact, I would say that the main appeal of being with her was just the comfort of having someone around and, maybe this sounds bad to say, but even in a practical sense. It's nice to know that if something bad happens or you need help then there's someone you can ask. But that doesn't seem like the typical reasons people my age get into a relationship or even a good enough reason to justify dating someone. When I look at other people who seem happy in relationships they seem to genuinely enjoy being in someone else's company and doing activities together like going out for dinner, watching a game/show together etc. While I do think those things are fun, I don't really think it's entertaining enough (if at all) to justify the commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship.

For better or worse, I've come to accept that a core aspect of my personality is a need to feel productive. Maybe it's the result of growing up in an environment of overachievers but I would counter that point by saying it's not really feeling like I need to succeed in the typical sense of wealth/fame/career. I think what makes me content is knowing that I was able to reach the potential that I think I have with respect to creative hobbies such as writing or maybe a programming project. The actual "reward" doesn't really matter as much as long as I know I've done something that required all of my creativity or that I can be proud of (such as helping others). 

I've noticed this theme in so many of my blog posts over the years - for example, the typical  lamentations about not writing enough or being able to truly pursue what I want. For example, in 2015 I wrote:

As usual, I loathe myself for not writing more or pursuing creative interests - I haven't even been reading as much as I like to which makes me disappointed in myself. I always say that when I move to a new city it will just be quiet and on the weekends I can go to a coffeeshop and read/write if I'd like but somehow it just never happens. When will I stop letting my dreams be dreams ?

In that sense, maybe my guilt from doing typical "relationship" activities stemmed from this mentality - it just felt like another distraction from doing what I truly wanted and I couldn't stomach it despite the fact that society tells you this is what single people in their late 20's should be doing. The truth is, I'm getting older and, as A-train and I were saying the other day, we're getting to the point in lives where we have to decide if we want to keep pursuing the traditional path or branch off and try to do our own thing. We all have to play the game a little at first to build up some sense of status, but I've done that for almost 5 years now and done it well (it's OK to humblebrag I guess because no one reads this anyway...). Am I finally justified in taking some time to explore my own interests?

That being said, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that the other core benefit of a relationship is sex. This is kind of where the discussion Heinz and I were having led to - we both talked about basically how we felt strongly attracted to someone is maybe an emotional response that people conflate with being in love. To me, love is something that develops slowly over a long period of time - like the kind of love you have for family or close friends. It's the basic idea that you genuinely want this person to be happy and are there to support them. Ironically, this is probably how I still feel about Dez even if we haven't talked in almost a year. But it takes a long time for me to feel this way and it doesn't really seem to be a function of the type of "date" activities that people in relationships do. The cynic in me believes that the people who do those kind of things are just looking for ways to kill time instead of truly figuring out what kind of contribution they want to have on the world. I remember a date once where I was cooking dinner together with N and, while it felt nice, I think it was just the novelty aspect of it and I remember thinking it would be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle for an extended period of time.

I will say that one legitimate reason for being in a relationship is if you want to build a family or go that route. But just having someone to do "stuff" with doesn't seem like a high enough bar for me because it's important to consider how we're spending the limited time we have left.

But maybe it's possible to find it all. Maybe there are people out there who enhance your ability to make a contribution and pursue your passionate in addition to fulfilling that role of sex/companionship in your life. Is this really true though? It sounds a bit too idealistic in theory but perhaps it's possible if you both have similar hobbies or interests. Anyway, I still don't really know but I suppose I shouldn't be too quick to judge either. The only way to know is to go out and experience life. 

Living Without Want

 So, it's the start of Ramadan today and, while I don't consider myself to be particularly religious, it got me thinking about what the whole point of it all is. If I were to guess, the whole act of fasting is about abstaining from wants in our life. It's to help us realize that we don't need all these extra things to survive or even be happy. We don't need fancy, indulgent meals but rather the goal is to remind us to always be humble and take us back to a simpler way of living.

It also helped me work through something about people's attitude towards the vaccine that sort of rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like so many people (including some "friends") had this strong sense of urgency to get it to the point where they were willing to disregard the rules and/or lie about their health conditions just to receive it a few weeks early. In addition to being selfish I also just found it kind of bothered me - in most cases, getting the vaccine is just a convenience unless you are a front line health worker or do something that requires you to interact with people in high risk settings. As such, we should be fine with waiting, there's no need to rush. I feel like this sense of urgency just points to some deeper insecurity or lack of patience people must have. In fact, I believe the ultimate goal should be to attain peace/happiness while possessing almost nothing at all. Maybe this is a dumb hippie way of thinking but, at the end of the day, I think it's kind of a pre-requisite to achieve true happiness because in the grand scheme of things we really don't "have" anything.

Maybe a more practical way to phrase it is that you'll be happier overall if the set of "things" you need to be content is as small as possible because we never know what will happen in life. If you were on of those people who defined their happiness by being able to travel, go to clubs/bars or any other social things then COVID was probably devastating for you. Same idea with people who's sole source of happiness comes from a relationship with their S.O. I guess another approach would be to try to have many things in life for you to derive happiness one, so losing any single one isn't a big deal but the other general strategy seems to be making your "happiness set" as small as possible. 

I suppose then a natural question is what is my "happiness set"? What things in my life make me happy? I would say it's pretty small - I don't really care about food/travelling in any significant sense. I would say things like writing, spending time with family, playing video games with friends, exercising and maybe like hiking/being in nature. 

The last point was that I was also thinking about how adaptable humans are. I put on my mask today to go to the doctor's and realized I didn't even give it a second thought, it just felt like something we have to do now. In that sense, I don't really care about the world going back to "normal" as long as the general population can remain healthy/safe. Maybe it's because I'm introverted but I think it goes beyond that. While any change is uncomfortable at first, eventually we can and will adjust to this new baseline - it's quite literally what humans are meant to do. It's OK for life to change sometimes and we ("humanity") can probably endure much more than we think we are capable of. Perhaps one philosophy of life is that it's all about testing our limits of how much we can endure and, the realization that we can endure more than we expected is what generates happiness itself in some strange way.

There And Back Again

 So,  I've been back in Cali for two weeks now and starting to feel more settled in. There still are times when I feel anxious especially at night when I think about how far away everyone is but I'm gradually getting more acclimatized to it. It's difficult to say how I feel upon coming back, it doesn't feel as exciting as it used to back in August. COVID or not, there is an impending feeling like my time here is winding down and maybe that's fine. Five years is a long time to stay anywhere and I think I've proven to myself what I wanted. On another note, without people around to talk to I feel much more introspective and aware of my own thoughts which is something that I definitely miss.

Of course, the big looming question is what to do next. In some ways, I think I'm kind of a coward - I tend to sign up for enough obligations (school, work, volunteering) to keep myself busy so maybe I don't have to seriously think about what I truly want to do. It's like a conversation I had with J one time about how his biggest fear was, now that he quit his job to write full-time, what if he was just really bad it? Or even that he's too unmotivated to succeed despite all his other obstacles being removed? It's like by keeping myself busy I have an excuse for why I'm never able to complete my "deepest" goals such as writing a book, doing neuroscience research or building a VR game.

I guess it's not a bad way to be fooled. I'm still being productive and doing interesting things with my time but I think ultimately it's all just mental gymnastics to avoid the fear of truly pursuing my dreams. But, for better or for worse, it's getting to the point where this excuse won't work anymore as it might be soon for me to feasibly retire early if I wanted to. How will I be able to face things then?

Maybe this is totally first world problems and I recognize that. But probably the most important thing in life is to be true yourself and I've always been plagued by the fact that I'm not really doing that. Even with respect to relationships, I feel like most of the time I'm just trying to do things because I think that's the way life is supposed to be (in the sense of even being in a relationship or getting married to begin with) but deep down I know it's not really what will bring me fulfillment in life. It's frustrating sometimes because, when I was younger, I used to feel smug about the fact that I was different, that I didn't want the same "traditional" things that most people did out of life. But there is an aspect of loneliness to it - now I have to find my own to happiness and there's no clear place to start.

This reminds me of Joe Rogan's first podcast with David Goggins that I watched recently. His story about how he turned his life around from being a fat slob in a dead end job was nothing short of inspiring (as it should be). However, what I found the most interesting though was how he always talked about this voice in the back of his head, the voice that wasn't happy even if his life seemed chill at the time. I think I have that same voice too, the same nagging whisper that makes me question if everything I'm doing is just a coping mechanism to avoid listening to it. Eventually, I'll have to take the leap, take some risks and try to adhere to what it says or will be stuck living my life in a perpetual state of wondering "what if...?"

The Lull of the New Year

 It's been a quiet start to the new year and, for the most part, things have been quite relaxing. Or they would be if I didn't have to all these choices looming in the back of my mind. Choices about the logistics of taking a leave from work, worries about going back to SF due to COVID and then the whole Florida plan which ended up falling through. But, in the end, we can't expect life to be easy all the time.

In fact, it's been about 3 months since I've been at home and I am starting to feel restless now. The issue with home is that I feel there's no sense of progress. While that may be fine if I knew there was a concrete end date in sight for this pandemic, I feel this is just how the world is going to be for a while and I need to just start moving on with my (modified) life.

Am I scared about going? Not really, I think if anything I would have been more scared in August about not knowing what to expect. I'm scared about the logistics of it all and naturally worried about getting COVID (and having to take a test before and all that) but I shouldn't let a day of inconvenience stop me from doing what has to be done. All I can do is take precautions to the best of my ability and continue forwards.

What about everything else? I decided to only take 2 classes this quarter and am taking a few weeks off work. Honestly, I don't feel that motivated about work anymore and might interview at some other places. It just somehow feels like the magic is gone ever since Prashant left and I finished the Egghead paper. As M said, "all good things come to an end" and I can kind of see that I'm drawing things out longer than they need to be. That's not to say it's bad, things are actually pretty good financially but I can definitely see myself being unhappy if I stayed another year (unless something changes significantly).

What else to say? I guess the whole relationship thing is on hold. I sometimes think about Dez now and again but there's not much to say - it is what it is and sometimes there isn't really a reason why we don't find others interesting anymore. There's not always a clear rationale for everything.

I am curious about seeing ?? when I get back and it is something I'm looking forward to exploring more. It's a bit nice to have something to look forward to though I'm not sure how it will turn out or I'm just doing this because I'm trying to fill some kind of gap in my life. Nonetheless, only time will tell.

The world has changed so much but somehow I feel the same. I never much cared for travelling or big events anyway, I'm more annoyed by the inconveniences and, of course, the mounting death toll. On a micro scale, I'm more concerned about not writing enough (but when am I not?) and how I can get out of this local maximum that I feel my life is currently in.

Oh, I guess one other tidbit is that I read a story J shared with me today about this lonely new grad in silicon valley working at some unnamed tech company. It's clearly too real to not be based on his real experiences and I was wondering a bit why I never felt that way. I think, honestly, it's because I had the true "Friends" experience when I lived in downtown ?? and met ?? and ?? and ??. We had a really great friend dynamic and, as I've said other times on this blog, I came to understand what it was like to truly have a "friend" group. When I moved to ?? I had already experienced that and wasn't longing for it - it was more like a new adventure and I was ready for it. 

Anyway, it is what it is. There's no point wanting or hoping life will be comfortable all the time - the only way we can make progress is through struggle and adaption. Sure, we all need a break once in a while but inevitably we can only achieve true happiness by going back to rolling the stone up the hill, again and again and again... 

2020 In Review: Goals for 2021

Ah, so the final piece in the new years reflection trilogy. Honestly, I'm kind of hesitant to have any goals at all since 2020 was so unexpected. I am hoping that things will be relatively normal by the second half of 2021 one though so we'll see.

1.) Consistent Sleep Schedule

Sleep consistently for 7-8 hours no matter where you are. Wake up around 10am.

2.) Finish HS Story, start working on T&T origin story

The HS story has been hanging over my head for a while and something I've been mentioning in many posts. It's time to finally wrap it up and get that monkey off my back so I can move on.

3.) More Dating / Form New Relationships

Figure out what's going on with M and if COVID gets better than try to meet new people. I guess the lack of Dez in my life has opened up the door to form stronger friendships with people. I can't say I don't miss her but maybe it's for the best. It's just difficult when something/someone you put a lot of time into doesn't seem to amount of anything - nonetheless, I would always be happy to hear that she's doing well in the future.

4.) Investigate new jobs / finish school

Definitely getting bored at work but also want to just coast for a while and collect that steady paycheck. But in the meantime, I want to keep learning and sharpening my skills especially with regards to some new technologies.

2020 In Review: May You Live In Interesting Times. Part II: Reflections on Past Year / Did I Meet my Goals?

 So, in the last post I gave a summary of what happened during 2020. The next part of the post is about reflecting on whether I met the goals I set out for at the start of the year and what I want to accomplish this year.

When reading my initial posts for 2020, it seems like my goal was to be more productive. Specifically, to not just feel like I was wasting my spare time but rather using it efficiently to learn new skills or produce new content (such as writing). Let's kind of go over what I accomplished.

Fitness - healthy sleep schedule / be more fit

Honestly, this is probably a 1/5 but I think I'm justified in blaming it on the pandemic. Before the shutdown I was actually going to the gym regularly again and feeling healthy overall. But coming back home and the closing of the Y made both my sleep and fitness schedule get pretty messed up. I do try to workout at home but it's more to just maintain my health, I doubt I'm making any big strides. Anyway, I'm probably fine with this given the circumstances.

Health Issues

There's still good days and bad days with the ?? . I think I've had more good days than bad days (at least moreso than 2019) and got some more tests done which is comforting in the sense that I really did something. Not too much to say here since the introduction of COVID basically put all non-urgent health investigations on hold.

Spiritual Health - mediating etc.

Didn't really get around to doing this. I would also lump this into the "fitness/health" bundle which got destabilized during the pandemic. But focusing on being more mindful and learning how to deal with stress is definitely something I want to improve in 2021.

Creative Hobbies - Writing etc.

Probably the biggest highlight here was that I did hit some of my creative goals this year. I finished up the Toronto story and shared it with folks and got feedback along with the Kayvon story. I also made some progress on the HS story which has been hanging over my head for a while and did some more reading/writing. Overall, I think I'm pretty happy with how my creative hobbies turned out.

Dating / Relationships

As I've mentioned before, the introduction of COVID basically put everything into stasis. I wasn't really expecting to form any new relationships/friendships once the lockdown started but yet I actually was pretty active and started dating(?) M. So I would say I've exceeded expectations in this area too though I'm not sure where it will go.

Overall

Another sentiment I noticed from reading past posts is that I didn't really expect many changes this year. This was mainly due to the fact that I had to wait for my ?? which required me to keep my job. I seemed hopeful that I would be able to improve other aspects of my life - such as fitness/dating/hobbies etc and,  I think given the circumstances, I did pretty well. However, the door of possibilities seems quite open for 2021 - let's talk about that in the next post.

2020 In Review: May You Live In Interesting Times. Part I: Summary of the Past Year

So, it's the dawn of 2021 and as usual I want to do a review of the past year. To put it simply, the year obviously turned out like no one really predicted or imagined (I was just reading a hacker news thread in 2019 and no one even thought of mentioning the word "virus"). I think the pandemic will be one of the defining moments of my lifestyle maybe even equivalent to how others view World War I/II or the Great Depression?

That being said, I think it's not entirely a bad thing. There's some silver linings in that this could be a chance for the world to "reset" and advance in new ways such as remote work or VR technology. It could open up new opportunities for startups and growth. I know the pandemic has hurt a lot of people and it's quite tragic but "we" (society) would be remiss if we didn't also try to harness the benefits. But maybe I'm just all talk since I'm still kind of too scared to actually do a startup but I'll discuss that later.

Anyway, before starting this post, I began by reading my post at the beginning of 2020 to see if I actually accomplished my goals/thoughts. In retrospect, I'm actually surprised by how many things I did accomplish especially given the extenuating circumstances of the past year - so in that sense, I did better than expected. Let's start with a quick recap/summary of the year and then go into an actual review. 

So, the year started off with COVID just being something far off the RADAR but still in the background. I began with writing the Egghead paper (which was grueling but also a new experience) and some big events like Genesis 7. I started to get back into a workout routine and, in general, things were going fine.

In March, COVID hit North America in full force and I remember feeling quite scared because no one knew what to expect. I went home and kind of watched everything happen with this general sense of despair. I had left in a hurry to go home, so I was worried about going back eventually. Being at home during this time felt difficult, I wasn't used to it and it was hard to be productive or get work done. That being said, somehow I got promoted to L6 and got the Egghead paper accepted (probably my biggest accomplishment this year) though these were mostly just reflections of prior work I had done. During the actual time I was "WFH" I didn't feel that productive which was quite depressing in some ways.

In August, I went back to the bay area and was scared at first but somehow when it came down to it I felt very clear minded and not anxious at all (at least at the airport). I didn't mind being back in SF, it felt nice to have some space and be able to hangout with friends. I think I mentioned it before but since I knew I wasn't there for too long, I was actually very social and it felt kind of nice. The big challenge was, of course, the wildfires which tested my mental fortitude since there was the day the sky turned orange and other days when we were shut in for days at a time. That being said, I'm proud of myself for being mentally strong during this time and I think it shows how far I had come from 2019 when my mental health felt a lot more precarious. 

In October, I came back home for the holidays and honestly feel like I didn't do that much work except get Knucklehead experiment setup. The other big event was the IPO which threw a wrench in my plans about when I was planning to leave - but I'll discuss that more in the "looking forward" section. Now, it's the new year and I'm faced with new decisions about how long to stay at home vs. going back and what to do moving forward.