Travel Stories

“There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.”

    I think this quote is a good way to start off this post, though it's obviously a bit dramatic for my use case. But the general sentiment is the same - the past few weeks have been busy and could be the start of something very important. Between going to a wedding (with a lot of co-workers and old friends), along with travelling for a work conference, I pretty much wasn't home for most of the month.  At first, I was nervous about the whole thing - it's been a while since I've travelled for that long on my own along with all the logistics of going to the wedding etc. Thankfully, it turned out OK in the end, perhaps even better than OK, but time will tell.

    If you know me, then you probably know I don't really care about travelling. I think the general concept of "vacation" is kind of pointless - people should just work towards the life they want instead of taking a 2-3 week break every year just to maintain their happiness. Furthermore, it's unlikely that seeing a new place/country really changes someone's perspective (since they go back to their "old" life once they return) and they've just used up resources and their time by travelling to a place for no reason. Maybe I'm just overly practical but I believe that everything you do should be with a overall goal in mind or to produce something of "value". It's not the actual act itself has to be "valuable" (ie. maybe your goal is to write a book or create some type of art) but you need to be working towards something. Anyway, I think "free time" is better spent learning a new skill or doing something creative rather than going on some cookie-cutter tour bus in Europe. I confessed recently to another friend that I feel guilty about travelling unless it's for a specific reason (business trip, have friends in that city etc.) mostly for the reasons mentioned above.

    Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. But I do think it's relevant because I wanted to explain why I was kind of nervous/uncomfortable with so much travelling. That being said, it's good to challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone once in a while and I'm glad I did it overall. First, let's talk about the wedding.

The venue for ???'s wedding was very beautiful - a vineyard overlooking a lake with cute white tables and assorted colors of flowers. Again, I was mostly worried about the logistics here, but I felt proud of myself for being able to do explore and do things on my own - such as biking around Coronado Island and taking the ferry. I guess weddings always make me feel a bit emotional, like maybe I'm missing out on some big experience of getting married. Maybe that makes sense, since that's what weddings are literally designed to be about. But I'm not really sure about ?? in the long term, it seems like ?? was mostly chasing her and I'm not sure if it would all work out on a cultural level too. That being said, they are both my friends so I wish them all the best. I do believe though that there's a future where I could have ended up with ?? (we did go on a psuedo-date once and were pretty close at one point...) but the thought of having to coordinate with someone every day for the rest of my life kind of terrifies me. 

    The big part of the wedding was meeting ??. We met serendipitously in the elevator (we were saying on the same floor, which wasn't true of all guests) before the actual wedding event and kind of hit it off. She seemed to be really interested in me throughout the night (coming over to our table, getting me drinks) and things kind of escalated on the bus ride back. The next day, we spent some time hanging out alone together and I asked her out. It feels weird typing this because I'm not sure if it will even go anywhere, or if I even want it to (maybe I'm just scared). But I feel like this is an interesting emotion to record. This wary sense of joy and curiosity mingled with self-doubt. I'm worried that by even typing it out here, I'm somehow jinx-ing myself but I doubt reality really works that way. 

    At first I felt pretty conflicted about not just "going for it" (ie. asking her to come back to my hotel room) the night of the wedding. But I think it was the right decision in hindsight after getting to know her more on the subsequent day. She didn't really seem like the kind of girl who would be down for that and, even if she was, it might be a weird way to start off what could be a real relationship. Anyway, I felt like we had a lot of similar values - the way we think about religion, the way we think about having a goal in our life (but not something "artificial" like just climbing the corporate ladder) but we were also able to have fun / banter. There is the snag with her previous relationship and, while I personally don't care much, I feel like my family would but that's a long way off to worry about now. Anyway, I feel more attracted to her than with anyone I've met/dated in a long time so I hope something good comes out of it.

    It's getting late, almost 4am here now (I should also fix my sleep schedule...), so I guess it's a good time to wrap up. I realize I didn't talk about the conference itself but, really, the main point of this post was about her. I hope that I can see her again and things go somewhere if they are meant to be. The conference was alright - it seemed less impressive than previous years (as other people noted) and I feel like I'm just procrastinating from doing my "real work" at my day job. I did meet L though who might have a role to play in my future but who knows?

    The last note I wanted to leave this on is the idea (from Steve Job's Stanford commencement speech) that you can only connect the dots looking backward. But maybe we shouldn't be trying to always connect the dots - maybe there's just some beautiful moments we can experience but they don't always have to lead into the next thing. Maybe life is just about experiencing beautiful things and moving on in an independent way. I don't really know. It's counterintuitive to what my "view" on our existence is but who I am to say what's the right way to live your life? All I do know is that can't waste too much time/effort trying to connect the dots - we need to be focused on the present as well to actually do meaningful things.

Life rushing by

 It's been another busy month to the point where I haven't even had time to think about blogging for the past few weeks. As I'm sure I've said before, in some sense that's good because it means I've been out living my life. On the other hand, I feel like I have an accumulation of thoughts I need to get out. I think it's especially important to write them down now before I know the actual outcome, so that I can try to remove my own bias from the situation.

Anyway, the first major event was my family vacation in Florida. I wasn't really excited about going in the first place especially with all the other deadlines I had around the same time (two interviews to prep for, needing to finish the ICLR paper, EBR stuff at work..) but it was too late to cancel at that point. Anyway, the first few days and the logistics of all were pretty rough and things felt tense. But, it felt as if things got better as the days went on and I think even Mom started to enjoy herself as well. I think some key moments included doing karoke with my brother (Buffalo Soldier), swimming in the resort at night and watching the sunrise in Daytona beach.

I guess the takeaway here is that there will always be things that I need to get done, but I should try to cherish time with family as well. Especially with my parents - since, in all likelihood, they might only have a few years left. Obviously I can't conceptualize it right now, but I think one way that might help me move on after they die is understanding that I really did spend a lot of  time with them. Somehow, I don't feel as strongly about spending time with my siblings - it's like I think we'll all have a lot of time together left though I acknowledge even that might not be necessarily true. But I also don't feel as bad with respect to them because it's like they've chosen to go off on their own path via getting married or whatever - but my parents always seem to be there for me (well, as long as they are alive...). Anyway, the point is that even though I was kind of grumpy/apprehensive about going on the trip initially, it turned out to be nice in some respect.

The other big thing that's been happening over the past few weeks was interviews. My first interview was with ?? (big company in the AI space that's pretty popular) and I think it went fairly well - though it's not exactly the kind of place I would join. I still don't know the outcome yet though. My other was with a hip-AI startup in NYC that had more of an academic vibe. Initially, I was very interested in them but feel a bit more skeptical after visiting in person. The main reason being that they seem to have a very opinionated view on their approach to "solving" AI (in terms of bayesian reason) and it's not something that I'm that familiar with or really believe in. That being said, they seem like a great group of smart people but I think I'd need to work with them on a project part-time first before really committing.

The other work related thing to point out is that sometimes I feel a wave of existential dread when I think about staying at ??. Even during our offsite last week, it just felt like nothing on the roadmap was that exciting and that if I stayed it would just be out of habit (and the fact that I still make a ridiculous amount of money post-IPO...). It just feels like sometimes I have these flashes of dread when I realize that I might not be taking enough risks or really pursuing interesting ideas in life. I'm afraid I'll look back in like 5-10 years and just be disgusted with myself if I don't try something new. I'm not sure where these expectations for myself came from, maybe it's something that's always been there. I think it's just how I view the point of the universe / our existence in general - the point being that we always need to keep pushing ourselves to discover new things. If you aren't going to do that, then is there really a point in living? Especially if you have the means (financially etc.) to pursue something truly creative or that you're passionate about. Once again, I don't think there's any "bonus points" at the time of your death for just having lived a safe and steady life.

The last thing I wanted to mention is about ??. I still haven't seen her since I'm back from travelling but I do feel like there's some special about her (even though we've only met up a handful of times) - there's a sense of genuine connection that I rarely feel with meeting new people. It's like the term "Karass" from Cat's Cradle. I do admit it's a bit too early to say, but I do see some potential there. Sometimes I feel insecure about it though - in particular, if she also feels the same sense of connection or if I'm just being overly-emotional. I guess only time will tell.

Searching for What's Next?

It's been about a year now that I've seriously been searching for what I think the next step in my life/career should be. I had been thinking about it for longer than that obviously (maybe like 2-3 years now) but for the past year I feel like I have been taking concrete action to explore what's out there - whether it's interviewing at startups, doing more research / considering a PhD or even writing full-time for a bit.

I thought that, by now, I'd have discovered something which "feels right" when it comes to the next step in my life. In retrospect, it seems like starting work at bnb or doing my masters at S both "seemed right" at the time but I think I'm just looking at it through rose-colored glasses. The truth is, when reading my past blogs, I definitely did have some uncertainty about both of these major steps. It's only that because things "worked out" with them that I can look back in hindsight and say that it was a good decision.

That being said, I don't want to discredit my intuition too much. After all, I did make the concrete decision to take a big leap, despite all the uncertainty at the time. In some ways, I feel like I've gotten less brave or more settled in my lifestyle over time despite this being a trap I've always strived to avoid. I don't want to be the kind of person who just gets stuck on the treadmill of life and eventually becomes content with just being a passive observer.

I think about this "passive observer" notion more when I try to spend some time at night reading about new AI/ML research or jotting down new ideas to try out. If this is really what I want to do, what's preventing me from doing it full-time? Why I am afraid to take the leap and try to implement some of my ideas? Maybe I'm just scared that I'll fail. It seems like a coping mechanism to just say that "this is an interesting idea" but convince yourself that since you don't have enough time to do it, you'll never truly know if it really would have worked out.

Anyway, maybe just going completely rogue and doing my own research is legitimately unrealistic (even by normal standards). But I can't help but feel discouraged because other opportunities that have seemed promising to me (research job in NYC/MIT, research scientist at A) just haven't worked out. The worst part is, it's not even because I did poorly on an interview or anything - it just seems like a lack of credentials (ie. not having a PhD or enough research papers). Just the week, C and I got rejected from a YC interview about our continual learning idea. At first I wasn't sure if I even wanted it but, I realize that after getting rejected, that it was probably something I would have been OK with quitting my job for. It would have been a really interesting experience.

At the same time, as I said in my last post, I'm more aware time is ticking away. I read that the early 30's is when your most likely to get your "mid-life" crisis and I feel like I can even see the beginnings of that in some of my friends. Is this the lead-up to my mid-life crisis? I'm not sure. I think overall I don't feel that dramatic about it, just disappointed. I perhaps naively hoped that the next step in my life would be more clear but the point of this post seems to remind me that life was probably never that easy.

I suppose I need to take a step back, assess things realistically, and figure out exactly what I want to do with my remaining time. Is it independent research (assuming I can't get a real research scientist position without a PhD)? Is it doing my PhD with the prof I'm currently working with? Is it doubling down on my project idea with C and trying to get investor funding?

I think I just need to be honest with myself about what I truly want to be spending my time on. But I also need to realize that any type of change will seem uncomfortable at first - so maybe I shouldn't be fooled by thinking that just because an opportunity doesn't seem perfect at first, it might still push me in the right direction.

The last thing I wanted to mention is the quote I talked to KJ about:

When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That's a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again.

As I mentioned before, sometimes I feel like I'm being way too passive when it comes to just reading about ML research or all the new developments in the field. It's like, deep down, I resent the fact that I'm just waiting for interesting things to happen without really being a part of them or contributing to discoveries on my own. But, why should I just be content with waiting for others to discover things? Everything was discovered by humans and people just like me. I have the ability to make big changes, to discover new things. I don't need to just wait for some arxiv paper to be published in order to learn about it. 

There's so much out there to learn still. Sure, I'm never realistic going to discover a new math theorem but I genuinely feel like there are research areas I can make progress in. I don't want myself to ever forget that - as C said, we need to believe that we have the ability to incite change before we can actually take action. I need to keep believing and working towards my goals - I don't ever want to just be OK with just walking on the treadmill.

Fear of Change?

I remember when my parents bought their new house in ?? last year, my sister joked that she wasn't sure if I'd like it because "I don't like change". At first, I thought she was just poking fun at me as usual, but maybe she had touched upon a deeper truth.

Another unrelated event which made me think of this blog post, is that my brother was asking my younger cousin (who's around 20 or so), what the peak of her life was so far? She said it was when she it was 4 and it was all downhill from there. This got a round of nervous laughter from us all, but it did get me thinking.

So, what's the consensus? Am I afraid of change? Do I feel like my life has "peaked" in some real sense?

I think I'm pretty confident that the answer to the latter question is no. I think there's still many ways my life could be improved or things that I could work towards. In a practical sense, we don't really get "choose" what we do the first ~20 years of life or so (need to go to high school and then likely college). Even after you graduate, most likely you have to get a job to pay the bills and make ends meet in general. I'm fortunate enough that hopefully in the next 2-3 years, I really have the freedom to pursue whatever I want. Whether that's a blessing or a curse, I think it's too soon to say. But, the point is that it has the potential to be blessing and that's what's matters in the end. Also, I feel if you genuinely believe your life has already peaked then what are you even living for? In order to move forward, you need to have some hope that the future can be better than the past. As I said before, the "goal" of life/existence is not just to survive as long as possible - it's to do something meaningful while you are alive.

What about the first question? Am I really afraid of change? 

It's tangentially related, but I do feel that I am more nostalgic than most people. I genuinely care about the opinions of my past self (hence, the whole reason for this blog) and try to actually complete goals that I've set out for myself in the past. I think about the past often and even go back and re-read old blogs at least once a month (if I can make it through the cringe).

That being said, I feel that being nostalgic is not exactly the same as being afraid of change. Though, if you forced me to give a straight answer I would probably say that, in general, I am afraid of change. My rationale is related to the previous answer actually - while I don't think my life is at the "peak", I am quite happy with what I have (in terms of the big things). Everyone I care about in my family/friends is still alive and financially things are OK, for example. It seems hard to imagine that if one of my mom/dad/siblings/close friends die, that I could ever be as "happy" as am I now, even if I were to be more successful in other ways. Of course, I recognize that perhaps that isn't healthy - we shouldn't define our happiness by whether other people are around, but I do feel that it's difficult to do when it comes to old friends/family. Especially parents. I've known my mom/dad my whole life, so in some ways in feels surreal (in a very scary way) to imagine a life without them?

I feel like, if a "perfect" life is the peak of some mountain and my current happiness is represented by how high up said metaphorical mountain I am, then I'm already I'm decent way to the top (maybe 70%). So, statistically, I just feel like there's many more ways to fall down than to climb up. There's many more ways for my life to get worse than there are for it to get better, so perhaps that's why I feel more afraid about this notion of "change"?

On the other hand, I also do feel that things are changing, especially with my brother and sister recently getting married. In fact, my brother even went off and bought his own house, which I am happy for him, but I also feel like I might slowly drift apart with my siblings. In some ways, I don't understand why people want to "join" the family of their S.O or even start one of their own. If you already like your current family, why do you need more? Ok, well I guess, "starting of your own" is a bit more defensible, since you perhaps want to leave a legacy or have something outlast you etc. Maybe we all just want to leave some kind of legacy behind, and that's one of the core motivations for all of human existence.

Anyway, on a practical note, I am worried about how family dynamics will play out in the future. When my parents die, and if my siblings have moved on to their own families, what will be left for me? We can never back the days when we all just lived under one roof and were able to go on vacations together with just the five of us as a family. But, maybe that's just the nostalgia talking again. Ultimately, it feels like we're in some kind of existential prisoner's dilemmas game - where perhaps the ideal move is to always stay together but if you're optimizing for your own interests then you'll go out and start your own family?

But I do recognize there's a big caveat to all this. If you don't like your current family/friends then of course it makes sense to seek out change and not care so much if they die or whatever. But, invariably, when you find yourself surrounded by a group of people you do love, then won't you just be faced with the same general fear of change as I am now? I guess the "true" solution is to try and rise above it all, dissociate your happiness from the company of others and just enjoy the moment for what it is. Of course, it's easier said that done.

Maybe it's natural I'm thinking of death more, especially about my parents. My dad had a "fall" today while we were playing Pickleball and he's going in for surgery in about two weeks (unrelated to the fall). Sometimes, I felt like my parents would just be seemingly healthy forever, but I can see them start to get old now and serves a stark reminder for the fact that, regardless of what I do, change is out there looming on the horizon.

The Burden of Expectations

 I've been home for about two months now and I suppose that I've been feeling kind of in a low mood this past week or so. Maybe it's because things at home feel so much more emotionally volatile - there's always some family drama (ie. my sister is pissed at my mom, my mom is pissed at my sister-in-law or my dad is feeling tired/sick but doesn't say anything and we all get pissed at him). Unsurprisingly, I find it hard to get any work done at home especially from the rather quiet lifestyle I've had from being on my own for the past 7 years.

That being said, I wish I could make my mom's life easier. She is stubborn but she does have valid points about perhaps my dad and sister expecting too much help from her. I guess that's not what this post is really about though. What this post was about was the more general dilemma I feel at home - between having a life that consists of generally being surrounded by family/friends or focusing on work/research and really trying to do something new.

I still believe that you can't really have both. To do great/significant work, you have to immerse yourself in it. Even if you have a family later on, I feel like there's some period in the life of any great scientist/artist/academic/writer when they really just hunkered down and focused in solitude. I suppose the "depressing" part though is that this is only a necessary condition for "success" but certainly not a sufficient one. You can spend literal years trying to write a novel, or come up with a new scientific theory but the most likely outcome is always going to be that it doesn't amount to anything.

I know where I'm going with this and it's, of course, the notion that you shouldn't get too caught up with results. If I want to really enjoy my life and the process of scientific discovery (or studying AI stuff) then I shouldn't place so much pressure on myself to really do something "significant". Sure, I should try my "best", but I should want to do spend my time doing these things because I really enjoy the process and act of learning. I think doing something with the expectation that it will result in a "success" or a ground-breaking new theory is just a fool's errand and a fast-track to becoming depressed.

But that raises another point that I've been turning over in my. mind - what does trying my "best" really mean in this context? Should I quit my job to pursue AI research on my own? Join a startup (like GI)? Spend less time with my family so I can focus on research? Avoid all friends + relationships so I can focus on research? I feel like there's so many different levels of intensity and it's hard to know what's the "right" one. I guess, the optimal level of effort is the one where I still feel fulfilled from research but also still obtain happiness from other relationships as well. It's just hard to know what that point is sometimes.

I turned 31 this year and I feel like, I'm more aware than ever, that my time on this earth (or in this existence) is quickly passing by. In just 9 more years, I'll be 40 which is basically what I consider as a fully fledged "adult", which is crazy to think about. I feel a sense of urgency - like if I want to dedicate a year or two of my time to really pursuing some creative idea then now is the time to do it.

I've written about this before, it's really nothing new. But I think deep down (maybe out of some naive dream) I believe that I have to try. I don't feel like I want to go down the conventional path (get married, have kids, live in a suburban house with a white picket fence) until I've tried some alternative. What's the point in being conventional anyways? The only person who has to live your life is you and I think everyone should have the expectation that the only point of their existence is to live up to their creative potential. This isn't a video game - there's no "bonus" points for just surviving as long as possible if you aren't spending your time in a way you feel is significant. Especially if you have the financial freedom to do.

I guess, in the end, it's hard choice. I can't do everything. I can't spend lots of time with my family, be a great AI researcher, climb the career ladder, be a famous novelist etc. I have to choose 1-2 to focus on and with the full knowledge that I probably won't have a significant impact in whatever I choose. But maybe that's OK. Maybe having the freedom to choose and just trudge along this journey itself is all the reward I need. I think it's like M (my senior at work), always says "the ability to do meaningful work itself is the reward"

Life in the Big City

    It's been about two months since my last post and I suppose life has been a bit more relaxed lately. Or rather, I'm trying to relax as I'm mostly back home at my parents place for the summer. I've been telling myself that it's OK to chill, that I need to catch up on sleep and have the ability to just play video games/read books/let my mind wander. But somehow, the inevitable anxiety that I'm not doing enough with regards to work/research/job hunting creeps up and makes me feel guilty on most days here.

    That being said, I probably shouldn't make things seem overly dramatic. I am getting a chance to relax more (on average) while I'm here. Besides, I think learning how to relax and be able to reset yourself mentally is a skill that I just need to get better at. As I've mentioned numerous times before in previous points, I think I have this compulsion where I feel like I always need to be doing something or "being productive" in order to feel at peace. Furthermore, the very act of "doing something" for me also has a high bar - I can't just be doing some mindless task for work but, rather, I only feel "happy" when I feel like I've utilized some type of creative thinking for the day (such as when I get a chance to write or think about neuroscience research stuff). Even "happy" is a rather loose term here since maybe I'm just fooling myself and desperately wanting to be the kind of person that gets happy from doing deep work but, the bottom line is, it seems like I need to do at least X hours of deep work a day to really feel satisfied.

    In terms of concrete things, I went on a trip to NYC for about a week and it's the first time I've been back since the pandemic. I really enjoyed it actually despite having a pretty introverted personality. There was a certain energy to the city that just isn't there on the west coast and I felt more motivated to work hard when it (seemed) like most people around me were too. I also liked NYC because it felt like people were always out and about - my friends were down to hang out until pretty late even on weekends - and it just felt like there was so much more to do in general. I think I might seriously consider staying there a few months for the year now.

    Related to the last point, I know I've talked about it numerous times before but I really like it's time to make some type of job/city change. I'm starting to interview with start ups again (which seems kind of daunting) but I really think that, by the end of this year, I need to make the leap. Even if it doesn't work out, I need to be able to say I tried to really be at peace. This is the story of my life it seems - just needing to prove things to myself to be able to move on, but perhaps not really reflecting on whether it makes me happy. But, the time I took off work to go to NYC (and also being in NYC itself) really gave me some clarity on the fact that there's no need to be stuck in my current lifestyle - I have the ability to change things if I want it. Again, I'm probably being too harsh, using words like "stuck" because I do enjoy my life in SF but, the bottom line is that I shouldn't be too resistant to change. There are other good options out there and they might even be better than what I'm doing now.

    In terms of relationships, I went a few dates such as with S and P.  P was a flop but S seemed pretty cool - easygoing and we felt pretty comfortable with each other in a short time. However, not sure if the romantic aspect is really there. I'll try to make a specific blog reflecting on relationships and if it's really worth it for me but, until then, I think recording the facts is all I can say.

    The last thing I wanted to mention is that my parents also came to visit me in NYC for a few days while I was there. This is something I encouraged because I really wanted them to do more as they are getting old. As my mom so rightfully said, their life is probably coming to an end in the next 5-10 years so they should try to do interesting things while they can. It's pretty sad to think about it but there's no point running from the truth - I should cherish the time I have left with them. At first, I was pretty annoyed they wanted to come with me (even for a few days) as I thought it would make things more stressful at the airport etc. While things were indeed more stressful, I'm glad that they came because we got to do things I wouldn't have done on my own - such as going to the Barry Manilowe show at Radio City which was definitely an experience. The production value was top notch (Barry told stories about his upbringing in between songs, which helped to lighten the mood) and even did a side-by-side rendition of some songs with an old video from 1975.

    I suppose that's all for now. I hope to dive a bit deeper into my relationship thoughts in another blog post but, for this summer, I'd rather just focus on my own health along with taking the time to really see what other jobs are out there and not being afraid to take that leap if a interesting opportunity arises.

Thoughts on Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

It's been a while since I've done a book review, though I have been reading somewhat consistently before bed again which is something I'm happy about. I do think book reviews/analysis are important though to help me record the impression a book left on me, even though it does require quite a bit of effort. Usually, I just search around on reddit for discussion threads to see what other people thought of a book but I suppose it is important to capture my own thoughts after all.

Anyway, I finally got around to reading Siddhartha by German author Herman Hesse. This one had been on my to-read list for a while and, it was actually a fairly short book so I figured it'd be a good candidate these past few weeks. The book itself deals with a lot of "spiritual" types of themes (exploring Buddhism) and philosophy about how to really live a fulfilling life. I thought it was pretty apt to read this book during Ramadan as I had decided to try fasting for most of the month - not out of any true religious reason but rather just to see how I dealt with it.

Siddhartha tells the story of the titular character who essentially abandons his home in order to join a group of wandering monks. While he's with these monks, he learns how to meditate and forgo any worldly possessions and desires. However, he realizes after a few years that the monks have nothing left to teach him and decides to move onwards to the city where he falls in love with a beautiful courtesan (which actually means someone who is a high class prostitute, I had to look this one up). He then starts to live a more "normal" life which is a stark contrast to when he was with the monks - he takes up drinking and ends up getting a typical job as a salesman etc.

The last arc of the book deals with Siddhartha's return to his more monk-like ways when he wakes up one day and basically has an existential crisis. He leaves the city and goes to live in the forest with this other old sage and meditates some more. He then realizes he had a son with the courtesan I mentioned in the previous paragraph but that son turns out to be nothing like him at all - he is very spoiled, worldly and resents Siddhartha himself. This causes Siddhartha much grief as he tries to get his son to conform to his simple/spiritual way of life but eventually he accepts that his efforts are futile. He finally comes to understand that his son must find his own path in life, just like Siddhartha did. Eventually, his son runs away (presumably back to the city) and Siddhartha never sees him again. 

That's basically it. One scene near the end of the novel that stuck out to me is when Siddhartha sees his reflection in the water and realizes that he's gotten old. Not just that, but he's old enough that Siddhartha is reminded of his own father and realizes that he basically ran away from his father/home just as his son has done to him. I thought that was pretty touching as it represented the whole cyclical nature of one's journey through life - that everyone has to forge their own path and sometimes we don't realize how poorly we've treated others until someone treats us that way as well. Basically, we get tricked into holding ourselves to a different standard than how we would judge other people.

Overall, I would say I enjoyed the book. As mentioned before, it was an easy read and not too long - it also didn't feel shallow in the same way that certain popular spiritual books try to be (like The Alchemist, which is super cringe). Even though it was clearly set a much earlier time period than the present day, I feel like Siddhartha's journey towards enlightenment is somewhat universal - how he goes from one extreme (living with the monks and meditating) to the other (living a pleasurable life in the city) in order to truly understand himself.

As mentioned earlier, I was trying to mostly fast this month during the time I was reading this book. In that sense, I felt like I could relate to Siddhartha's experience with the monks. At first it feels like you're hungry all the time and you don't think you can last - but then you realize that you have more control over your body than you think. Then you start to resent or judge others for being such slaves to food or their base desires. The last step is realizing that there's probably no prize for denying yourself physical pleasures though. At the end of the day, we have to inhabit this body for the rest of our lives so we shouldn't feel bad or try to fully repress these biologically desires that are literally coded into our genome. But we should try to acknowledge that we don't have to let them dictate our lives.

Even before fasting, I felt like I looked down on others who were self-proclaimed "foodies" or cared about going to fancy restaurants. It always felt to me like such a insignificant thing to care about (as long as you were eating healthy) because hunger just seems like such a basic need. What makes human's unique is our ability to think and reason at a higher level and that's what we should be proud of. This reminds me of a quote when a merchant asks Siddhartha what his skills are and he responds:

I can think. I can wait. I can fast.

My interpretation of this quote is that Siddhartha seems to be supporting my view of the world. That what matters in terms of providing value is the ability to think (at a higher cognitive level), have patience and not be ruled by basic desires. But we shouldn't just repress our biological desires for the sake of it and to the point where it just becomes a point of pride or a contest (ie. who can fast the longest) - I think it's implied that's why Siddhartha left the monks. Rather, the idea is that we should keep these desires around and not let them overpower us - take pleasure from them when we can and maybe even use them to motivate us - but ultimately let our ability to "think" guide our path through life.

The last point I want to make is that a major theme of the book is the value of questioning everything and being inquisitive. Siddhartha goes through many lives throughout the novel but is not afraid to move on and leave everything behind when he feels there is nothing more to learn. In fact, Hesse creates another character (Siddhartha's best friend, Govinda) to illustrate just how important this point is. Govinda is basically just a follower. He's seems to be someone who's just seeking the support of a group and looking for someone (or something) to tell him how to live his life. So when him and Siddhartha live with the monks, Govinda ends up staying for the rest of his life while Siddhartha moves on after a few years. 

The takeaway here for me is that, to truly live a life you can be proud of, you have to be willing to leave it all behind if you don't feel like there's anything else to learn. Don't be fooled by the feeling of comfort but always be ready to embark on your next adventure. Sure, it's easy if someone just tells you the ideal way to live your life and find purpose but that will never make you fully satisfied, in my opinion. The only way to achieve a sense of true purpose is by questioning everything and taking the steps to explore on your own, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. 

Completion of a Goal

     Looking back at old blogs, it seems like I've had this idea about writing a high school "Catcher in the Rye" type of novel since at least 2015. I can finally say that today, on March 31st in 2023,  I've finally completed it and submitted it to a publishing contest.

    One thing that's always annoyed me when reading past blogs is that this idea of wanting to write or finish this novel kept cropping up and I kept saying I "should" do it but yet I never ended up following through.  Sure, I had been writing snippets of this book on and off since 2015 with occasional spurts of inspiration here and there (ie. like when COVID started and I had a lot more free time). But, until these past two weeks, I had never mustered up to effort to just finish it and polish it up into a coherent state that was actually presentable?

    So, what gave me the motivation for the final push? Honestly, I'm not really sure. I think it was a combination of things - such a V telling me about this publishing contest that I should apply to and having some time-off I needed to take from work anyway. Maybe I just realized that, if I was ever going to finish the book at some point this year, then I should take advantage of these fortuitous circumstances to do it. And so I did.

    There's definitely a feeling of relief today. I'm sure there's always more edits I could do and maybe this novel won't end up going anywhere. Nonetheless, I'm still proud that I completed a goal and got the novel into a state where I think it's ready for a professional editor to take a look at. 

    I read a post someone made on Twitter a few weeks back with a line that went something like "We don't owe anything to our past selves". I think it was supposed to be some cringe motivational statement about how we should just be free and live in the moment. However, I strongly disagree with that. First, I think it's wrong because setting long term goals and executing on them is honestly one of the traits that sets humans apart from other animals. As I've said before, I think a reasonable goal in life to try to channel all your creative energy into producing something of value. 

    Secondly, I think we do owe our past selves quite a lot. Our past selves and decisions got us to where we are today. So, assuming you are relatively happy with where you are, you shouldn't just give up on the dreams that you had in the past. You had them for a reason. If you do give up your dreams then you need to really have a serious conversation with yourself about why you think they aren't relevant anymore - and if the answer is just "because I'm lazy/don't care" or "because I don't have enough time" then I don't think that's good enough.

    That's another reason why I'm glad I've been keeping this blog over a decade. As much as I think reading my old posts is cringe/embarrassing, I'm glad that it helps keep me accountable. I'm glad that I can see what my goals were at a specific moment in time which allows me to be honest with myself about why they changed or if I'm just lying to myself deep down. As mentioned before, I've seen the theme of finishing this novel crop up in so many blog posts in the past that maybe I couldn't ignore it any longer. That time in my life (high school) probably isn't even that relevant to me now, but I still feel like I owe my past selves something and was responsible for finishing it.

    The last thing I wanted to say is just about the writing process itself. Even though this was only 60k words, I think only 25% of my first draft survived. I remember another famous writer having a similar statistic and, at that time, I remember thinking that seemed way too low. I thought that I'd at least get more than 25% right the first time but now I understand just how complicated it is to craft a coherent plot and keep things consistent. I have an even greater respect for people like GRRM who can somehow keep track of a multitude of threads in a sprawling narrative without any major errors. Even for a book as short as mine, I found myself constantly contradiction or repeating myself and it seemed almost more of a science than an art in order to keep everyone consistent and keep the plot on track.

    Anyway, I think that's all I want to say. Even if things don't go anywhere with this book, I want my future self to know that, in this moment, I'm simply proud for accomplishing a long term goal.

Turning 31.

 So, another year has come and gone for me and I woke up today realizing I'm 31. Just typing it or saying it aloud in my head makes me realize that I'm much older than I really feel. Coincidentally, I read an interesting article about this phenomenon in The Atlantic  the other day. Maybe it's because most of my closer friends here are about 3-4 years younger than me so I still feel like I'm in my mid/late 20's but, the truth is what it is.

I suppose there's a lot of things I could talk about in this post, but I want to first give a quick snapshot of my life since I always find those interesting in the future. Things have been pretty busy for me lately - doing research with J on Sudoku Generalization along with working on this ChatGPT integration at work hasn't left me with much time to think about much else. I did go on a few dates with B the past few weekends - she seems cool (down to earth and also somewhat introspective) but I feel like we have some large cultural differences that would prevent things from working out in the end.

There's also this broader point that even when I do go on dates I'm not sure if I really enjoy it or I'm just doing it because I think that's the "natural" path people should follow in life (ie. be in a relationship, get married, have kids). I'm not really convinced that would make me happy - it even seems kind of selfish since (specifically: having kids) in the sense that it's just a way to justify your own existence and give you something to do for the next 20+ years. Instead, I think what would truly make me happy is realizing that I worked my hardest to achieve my creative potential (and hopefully produced something of value along the way). Of course, that's probably a much harder path in life but this is probably better suited for another blog post on it's own. The last thing I want to say though is that I'm not ready to give up on dating/relationships in general - I think I have met a lot of interesting people and there's no harm to keep trying (except for the cost of my own time). 

Nonetheless, there is a lingering sense that time is ticking away. It's already been over a decade since I graduated from high school and almost a decade since college. That's about 10 years in which I've truly been free to pursue whatever activities or career I wanted and, as I mentioned before, I'm pretty happy with how things turned out. But, if I'm being honest with myself, the thought of being in the same role for longer than a year is somewhat depressing to me. It's a good job and all but there's just so much exciting stuff going on in the ML/AI field that I want to be a part of and help contribute to more fundamental research. At the end of the day, there's no "bonus points" for just making it through life and being "comfortable" - I firmly believe that if you're privileged enough to explore opportunities you're truly passionate about then you should take it. So, I hope that I continue exploring (apply again to startups this summer and reach out to KJ) and make the switch even though staying where I am would be an easy decision.

I also hope to get back into writing more, going to the in-person event at the WS last weekend really helped motivate me. V suggested that I submit my high school novella to this contest and I hope to just take PTO for 1-2 weeks at the end of this month to really get it done. I might not have this chance again and, as I've mentioned before, I should take pride in the sense that I was able to finish a major project even if it doesn't result in any material gain.

Other than that, I think things are just moving smoothly along - perhaps too smoothly. I don't want to blink and realize that I'm 60 and just kept working the same job because it was comfortable. Sometimes I'm worried that my routine (friends, hobbies) here is too comfortable in general and that I need to take some risks and pursue activities that are truly interesting to me. We'll see, hopefully I can start to branch out more later in the year and hold myself accountable to these thoughts.

The last thing I want to mention is the sense of amazement I have when friends from HS (or even co-workers that are my age) mention that they are going to be having kids soon. I feel like I still think of us as pretty immature - how can a guy I played smash bros with last weekend be ready to be a Dad? It seems like we only have a very short time in the limelight before the torch needs to be passed to the new generation. As I've said to C&V, I feel like I'm not comfortable having kids until I feel like I've really tried to pursue some of my deeper goals (ie. creating a startup or doing independent research for a year or writing some novels). Anyway, it does feel like we're at that age when a bunch of life paths are still open to us but the choices we make in the next 2-3 years will gradually reduce the set of paths available (ie. if you choose to have kids). I do find that quite scary - I would hate to be in a situation where I'm just stuck in the same routine (fancy house in the suburbs, two kids and corporate job) and am just living out the rest of my life until I die. Ironically, this seems to be the ideal goal that others seem to strive for.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I hope I continue to explore and not be afraid to pursue ideas I'm truly interested in - the treadmill of life keeps things moving along regardless of whether I want it to or not.

Reflections on 2022

 Well, looks like it's time for my annual New Years reflection post. Before starting this post, I generally think it's a good idea to go back and read my post from the previous year - it helps set expectations and see if I really accomplished what I set out to do and how accurate my predictions from the previous year were.

One aspect I liked from my 2021 post is the stage setting about where I currently was when I was writing it. So, this year I'm just at my our new house in ?? and it's around 4am. It was a pretty chill night at home with the four of us (brother was in Vancouver for his anniversary) and I started playing a new game of Diablo II with my sister and finished reading Metazoa while mom was on the phone with various aunts in the background. It seems like NYE's have gone from being a rather social event for me to just a quiet night home with family and I suppose I'm OK with that - I know I won't be home for much longer so it makes sense to spend time with family while I'm here. On the other hand, I can't deny that it doesn't really feel like any special kind of night since we didn't really do anything in particular. But I guess that's how it always is - there's no special distinction about January 1st and any day can be the start of a new beginning if you want it to.

Part 1: Reflecting on my thoughts one year ago

One common theme in my previous reflection post was that 2021 was a rather uneventful year but 2022 would be more exciting. In that respect, I seem to have been correct - there were several landmark events (brother getting married, graduating from S, starting research with J) that seemed larger than anything that happened in 2021. There were just a lot of things that seemed more "novel" as well - such as meeting new friend groups (badminton with J and Z) or even W's wedding which was a chance to re-connect with others. I feel pretty confident in saying 2022 was more dynamic than 2021 in mostly every aspect.

In terms of concrete goals for 2022, I seemed to have been overly ambitious or expect more of myself than was possible (as usual). However, I did hit some key goals such as starting research with professor J and wrote a few stories as well (but no real progress towards my HS novel). I had written down I wanted to learn about VR or blockchain technologies but that didn't really pan out either - though I did end up learning a lot more about neuroscience/brain architectures so at least I did dedicate a significant amount of time to gaining new skills which seems like what I wanted in a more general sense. 

I said I wanted 2022 to be a year of exploration and it does seem like I succeeded in that respect. I didn't end up taking a new job at a hot startup but I did interview quite a bit and make some new connections (especially with N and KJ) that might lead somewhere in the future. One thing I do know is that it's extremely difficult to assess the impact that someone might end up having in your life so I don't ever want to dismiss any connections I made as insignificant. 

Part 2: Scorecard for 2022

It's kind of lame but I'm going to go through the same type of scorecard/metrics for various aspects of my life in 2022. I guess it's sort of a habit now but it is a useful way to reflect more deeply on various parts of my life throughout the year.

Fitness / Physical Health - 3.5/5

Overall, I felt much healthier this year compared to 2022. I got back into playing badminton regularly for some solid cardio and all my major lifts increased too (though not up to pre-covid levels). Before I went on vacation or came home for the holidays, I felt like I was making steady progress and was happy with my level of activity. I still need to work on my sleep schedule (it's like 6am right now...yikes) but if I can pick up where I left off in 2023 then I think it could be a promising year for my physical health.

Mental Health -  3.5/5

Mental health is always a hard thing to judge but, looking back, I don't really see any major negative events or health scares (thankfully). I do feel more burnt out than usual from my job, research with prof J. and interviews at startups. Even during the winter break, feel like I didn't have enough "deep relaxation" to really recover and, honestly, the thought of going back to work in the new year seems pretty daunting. There were also a few times I got stressed with family and found it hard to balance work obligations with other events but those do seem relatively short-lived.  Overall, it was an OK year for mental health but this is something I'm concerned about going into 2023 - I need to remember to take time to relax and de-stress once in a while or it's a price I will have to pay later.

Creative Hobbies (Writing, ML research etc.) - 3.5/5

Unfortunately, I don't think I did much writing this year but it actually wasn't due to a lack of motivation. I just felt that all of my non-working hours were quite busy with other obligations - such as research or gym/badminton which, honestly, is probably OK. I definitely didn't feel like I was wasting time and there's only so many hours in the day so, what else could I really do? I think the lesson for 2023 is probably to have a better sense of prioritizing what goals I actually want to pursue in my free time (ie. ML research, startup ideas with C, novel writing) and try to pursue 1-2 activities more deeply rather than being a jack of all trades. Nonetheless, just utilizing my free time effectively to learn new skills and try new things is already something to be proud of so I would say I feel OK in this regard.

Dating / Social - 3.5/5

In terms of friendships and making new connections, 2022 was pretty good. I started hanging out with some new friend groups such as J (who I met via badminton) and Z (also at badminton, but at another club) while strengthening previous friendships with folks such as K, A, J and C (who I even had some deep convos with on the night before I left). I also met some other friends through playing ?? and went to some more tournaments so it's nice to have a sense of community in that regard too. Also reconnected with J which was something I had wanted to do for the past few years. Still don't really talk to Dez much but I suppose I've gotten used to it now - I hope she's doing well and that perhaps we can re-connect in the future and share some stories. Maybe what I miss is more the feeling of openness that I had with her rather than the specific person she was - but a friendship like that takes a long time (ie. years) to build and, I can't see it happening with anyone else anytime soon. 

On anther note, I'm not sure if I really want to be part of more friend groups though - I felt a bit bad near the end of the year cause it seemed like J wanted to be closer with me but I pushed her away. Though that night after badminton when we all went to eat at In and Out and I gave her a christmas gift did feel pretty nice. But I just feel like sometimes I already have enough friends or relationships to maintain so having even more folks to hangout with would take away from time I want to spend pursuing my other hobbies. 

In terms of dating, there's not too much to say. In this regard, I think 2021 was better but I did go on a few dates in 2022 though no one really seemed to interest me (on the same level that S did near the end of 2021). Maybe it's because I was so busy with other things going on but I never really felt like I truly wanted to be dating - it was just kind of half-hearted all the time. Anyway, in 2023 hopefully I can devote more time to this or just decide to put it on the back burner if I'm busy - no more half measures. At least, KJ (startup CEO) seems interesting though...

Career / Academics - 4/5

Graduating from ?? was a big achievement to me (as I've mentioned in a separate post) and getting to do research with professor J. was a big deal as well (despite the fact that I've kind of accepted it now). But, I feel like if you had told me 2-3 years ago that I would be working with one of the legends in the field, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. So I should never really forget how far I've come in that sense.

In terms of actual career, I do feel kind of stagnant. It feels like a long road to get promoted to the next level at work and I don't really vibe with my manager in the same way I did with my previous one (P, who feels more like a friend now). Even if I did get promoted, I don't think I'd really care that much, I've already met my career goals in terms of working at a "big" company at this point and would rather focus my energy on other things. Those other things might be joining or at least consulting for a startup. I took a lot of time to interview at various places this year and, while none seemed like the right fit, it's good to at least get a sense of where I stand. I actually got an offer at ?? which seemed like my dream for the longest time but it's kind of ironic that when it's actually within my grasp I no longer care that much - life can be ironic like that sometimes.

Part 3: Goals for 2023

Based on the past reflections, I'm pretty happy with how 2022 turned out. At a high-level my goals for 2023 would be:

1.) Complete some type of individual research project on ML/neuroscience type systems

2.) Do more research with J about generalization in ML

3.) Interview and potentially start working at startups

4.) Finish editing HS novel and/or do more writing in general

5.) Continue to read regularly

6.) Have a consistent sleep schedule

7.) Prioritizing dating and/or getting to form new relationships with "interesting" people

I would say my goals are weighted more towards the first 1-4 points so perhaps dating will be on the back-burner again this year. I think that's fine since, as I've been telling others, my high-level plan for what I want to accomplish in these next 2-3 years is mostly intellectual or career type things - like forming/joining a startup or really doing some independent research that I can be proud of. I feel like I'm in a unique position now to pursue these things (don't have to worry too much about money and don't have too many other obligations) and I think if I don't dedicate a significant amount of time to some riskier endeavors then I might regret it later on.  Of course, I shouldn't neglect the relationships with friends and family that I already have but I just want to concede that it might be hard to form new ones. Of course, if someone interesting comes into my life then I shouldn't shy away from getting to know them better either... 

I think a big thing I'll struggle with next year is motivation and deep work though. I think I'm the kind of person who's good at doing "easy" tasks that can improve my mental/physical health (ie. going to the gym has never been a problem for me) but I need to learn how to exercise my deep/creative thinking skills more in 2023 especially if I want to accomplish my goals. Maybe I need to form some new habits in order to stay focused when I need to. 

Another thing I wanted to mention (but wasn't sure where to put it) was that I feel like I've gotten a bit more philosophical and introspective in 2022 in terms of the media I consume. I've been reading more philosophical/science books (Our Mathematical Universe, Metazoa) about consciousness and why the universe exists in general. While I don't expect to have answers of any of these existential questions, I am happy in the senes that I'm at least thinking about them - it's important to think beyond the confines of our day to day life at any rate.

I also want to mention one last thing which is that I shouldn't be too hard on myself if my thinking or research doesn't have the outcome that I want. Maybe I'll join a startup and it will fail (most likely) or I'll spend 5 months trying to write some simulation for a new ML algorithm and it won't go anywhere. In these cases, I have to remember to just take joy in the process - of pursuing a goal that I independently came up with and learning more than I knew at the start of the year. While outcomes are nice, I don't think we should tie them too much to our happiness - especially outcomes related to hobbies or our creative pursues. I need to remember that just spending time doing things I find interesting is enough of a reward in itself (and I'm in a very fortunate position to be able to do so) and maybe not take life too seriously in general.

I'll end with a thought I had a few nights ago - when I read that an acquaintance who was a grad student at MIT recently passed away suddenly due to undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. He seemed to have so much potential and a bright future ahead of him but yet he's gone and I'm still here. Why does the universe want me here in the first place or, more broadly, why are some people still alive why others are killed in seemingly random ways? Is it all just the whims of cosmic randomness or are we some infinitesimally small piece of a larger puzzle? Some would say there's no difference but I think there's comfort in knowing that the universe is asking some question that perhaps we can help answer. Anyway, not sure if I can ever find an answer in my lifetime, or if there's even a way to know but I hope I continue to remain curious in 2023 and all the years thereafter.